Leaving to go on holiday first thing tomorrow morning.

I honestly don't know. I feel horrible. This is the first Valentines day that I've had a boyfriend, I should be happy, I should feel... I don't know... I shouldn't feel like this though. I shouldn't feel like... I'm using somebody. And that's what I feel like.

We're not going to grow old together, I'm not ready for that kind of relationship, but he seems to think we are. I mean he's planning the house we're going to live in and what we're going to name our 5 kids.

I don't know. Enough about this.

I remember this one conversation I was having with Sibz and Harry. We were sitting in Sibz's room, and Sibz kind of matter of factly tells us that she tried to kill herself the other day. Harry makes some kind of worried animal sound, and I just kind of listen. Sadly, rather amused. Then she asks me if I've ever tried to kill myself, because she knows she's asked me before, but couldn't remember what I'd said. I can't really begin to describe how much that pisses me off. I mean, I'd swear to God, that if somebody has tried to kill themselves in the past, that's the kind of thing you sort of remember. Also, on the things about that question that make me offended are A) Why the hell she would think that if I were to try to kill myself, I wouldn't succeed, or at least come incredibly close (ie she would have heard about it. From the hospital) but I mean, probably dead. I'd jump off a high building or in front of a train or something. B) Why she thinks I would ever be selfish enough to kill myself anyway. I mean, I don't think I come across as a selfish person, so why the hell would she think that I would just kill myself as some kind of pain killer, ignoring the agony I would cause other people. I would never do that. I think about it sometimes, but I would never ever do that, no matter how bad my life got. Never. I would never be that fucking selfish.

Rant over.

Don't predict my death as coming any time soon.>