First off, read this entry. Because it's kind of important. And if you're going to actually read my diary. Read this.

The single event that will lead to me beating the living shit out of Tamzin took place on the evening of Saturday the twelfth of July 2003, however to understand the full story, I must first go back a year � over a year. I must begin with when I first met her.

I first properly met Tamzin in year nine. She began to sit next to me in maths and in science, of course only because I was the only girl in the class who was in her tutor group. We would pass hours away, talking about deep and meaningful things. We would talk about the meaning of life, the shape of the universe, and of course her taste in music. I was not into music at that point of my life.

Tamzin struck me as special. Not only because she was interesting and the first proper friend that I�d had at school, but because she was different. Let me clarify: In a school of working class students who found themselves rather attached to pop and rap music, she had her own taste in music. She liked rock music. In my eyes this made her something special, especially as I very much liked the lyrics that she wrote in her exercise books.

I was eager to impress her. I started watching the music channels on the television for rock music. I started to obsess over and memorise the lyrics that she wrote in her exercise books. I finally properly got into music and my affections and friendship with Tamzin were affirmed one day when she was out with a couple of her friends and they decided to stop by my house.

Once there she downloaded a music downloading programme for me, and a couple of songs that she thought I would like. She also downloaded msn messenger for me, a form of communication which eventually lead to me getting a social life.

I became deeply into music, and made friends, hence making me feel that on top of my serious affection for her, she had also given me a life. And a personality. I felt that my taste in music influenced a lot of my personality. Whether I was wrong or right is another matter entirely.

This all began to change when she not only started to talk to another boy in my science class (Ben Ng) but also developed a crush on one of my acquaintances (Kalim) I felt jealous of her association with Ben Ng, but actively encouraged the idea of her and Kalim going out. It somehow made me happy to think that two of my friends would be going out.

When she began going out with Kalim was the big turning point for social relations. Her friends became Kalim�s friends, Kalim�s friends became her friends. Boys began to mix with girls and more people began to date one another. Also she had a cousin in the local girl�s school, this caused girls from the girl�s school to begin to associate with the people from my current school.

This while it seemed to be fun at first, spelled out disaster. An organisation, namely �The group� was formed. Tamzin was the sole leader, dictator of this group. She decided who was in it and who was out of it. All of my friends were in it. I was out of it.

I feel it appropriate to mention here that this was about the time I became acquainted with my dear friend Sibz over the instant messaging system that Tamzin had introduced me to. Unfortunately I must thank Ben Ng for this.

�The group� went on day trips together, they talked about �the group� on our science table which I was now the only person on who was not a member. They began introducing other people from our school who I didn�t know into this rigid society. They left me out.

At this point I was much better friends with my now good friend Sam than I was with them. I still wished to be accepted by them, but I had more or less given up all hope. If Tamzin did not want to accept me, her friends never would either.

The event that completely confirmed the fact that Tamzin hated me for some reason was a trip, organised by the school, to Wales. While in Wales with most of my friends (not Sam or Sibz) I was excluded by them, cast aside, and when I became annoyed with this, Tamzin was pretty good with it, and the only person who might have stood up for me at the time, Stephanie, more or less accepted it.

The trip went downhill quickly, and it ended with Tamzin hitting me in the face. Not a single one of my supposed �friends� stood up for me or tried to stop her. They knew that their loyalties lay with Tamzin.

That night I wrote Tamzin a letter of apology for being so annoying, and saying that part of what was fucking me up so much was the fact that she seemed to enjoy making me feel crap, and then great, and then crap, because she knew how to do it, and it only made me like her better, and easier to manipulate (important for future reference) I was the one apologising to her. I still cannot believe that I would do that. I suppose that I must have cared about her a lot, and I think that up until a couple of weeks ago, I would probably still have done the same. Tamzin said nothing about the letter while we were in Wales, but she made a couple of jokes with me, so I assumed it was alright.

When I got back from Wales, Tamzin and I talked over msn messenger, she said some pretty cruel things to me: �The only reason I hit you from the side and not full in the face was because I didn�t want to give myself nightmares by making you even uglier,� �The only time I ever felt any emotion towards you was when I hit you,� �The only reason you didn�t fall flat on your face when I hit you was because your hair kept you up,� �I dare you to kill yourself and I wouldn�t feel guilty at all if you did� etc

I stopped talking to her for the entire summer, despite being desperate to forgive her the whole time. I suppose that I did in a sense actually love her.

The group fell apart soon after that, for separate reasons, a lot of them being to do with the fact that they all began to hate Tamzin for being such a manipulative bitch.

Some time here, Sibz and Sam and I became good friends.

When school started again, Tamzin started attempting to talk to me as if nothing had ever happened. As if I hadn�t blocked her for 2 months. I ignored her for a long time, but eventually yielded and gave in. I let her back into my heart once again. Needless to say, she hurt it.

Every time she hurt it however, she would then make me feel better about myself (she knew exactly what to say) and I would love her more than I did in the first place.

Tamzin and her group and me and my friends drifted further and further naturally away. I was still very attached to her, as was Sibz for one (she had a lot of issues with her as well I think, but I couldn�t write about all of those as well) and as were pretty much all of her friends. But we drifted away.

A few moments of closeness happened before the more recent events, in which I honestly believe that she did care about me. Like when we left school in June and she said she would be �honoured� to walk me home afterwards, and when she signed my shirt �What would the world be without an Annie� I also made it clear I had forgiven her for what happened.

Do those memories mean anything now?

I honestly do not know.

The more recent events: Tamzin and Sam, natural enemies, began to get friendly with one another, as did Tamzin�s twelve year old sister, Jordan. They got into a game, the �ice game� in which they would all (a few other people were involved in this) pass ice into one another�s mouths.

Tamzin was fine with this. She knew that Sam had played the �ice game� with her sister.

However at some point, for some reason, this went down the drain. Sam was invited to Tamzin�s house and Tamzin confronted him for playing the ice game with her sister. Christopher Langsdon (charming young gentleman that he is) held a knife to Sam�s throat. Sibz was hysterical for them to stop, but this did not happen.

They all ended up outside, and Sam was upset about something, Tamzin was screaming at him to promise never to touch her sister again, he told her to fuck off. Everyone was screaming and he began cutting his wrists with keys. Tamzin later described this as merely a �nervous habit, like biting your nails� Sibz saw the way in which he was looking at the knife and said �Sam promise you won�t..� he wouldn�t promise, he just kept saying �fuck off� this was all interrupted by Tamzin hitting him full in the face WHILE he was cutting himself.

She continued to scream at him.

Sam went off, and Tamzin�s delightful little cousin Ryan suggested that they chase after him. He ran off, Sibz and Lizzie honestly believing he was going to kill himself. He then made matters worse by texting Sibz with the sole message �sorry� and he called me saying he felt like killing himself, but my phone wasn�t working properly and then he hung up. I was pretty distressed so I tried calling him back but his phone was turned off. I called Stephanie who suggested calling Lizzie. I called Lizzie and Sibz answered, hysterical. She told me what had happened and I told her what he had said to me.

I ended up meeting them at Mc Donald�s. I was greeted by Sibz with something like �If you don�t shut that bitch up I�m going to kill her� I went over to Tamzin and she was standing there, smirking, joking with her friends. I told her it wasn�t funny and to shut up.

We all went out looking for Sam (he has attempted suicide before, adding to our concern) but it seems that Tamzin and Stephanie had gotten bored and had gone back to Tamzin�s house to watch the television.

Eventually he phoned us, it turned out he�d been very upset and had gone to Essex or somewhere equally ridiculous to visit a friend. He�d left his phone at home.

Lizzie who had not seen Tamzin�s behaviour before was rather shocked. Sibz and I knew better, we knew when we�d seen that look on her face before.

Now getting on to the events of today.

We ran into Tamzin and several friends of hers. Tamzin, looking as bitchy as ever (I�m not quite sure how that works, but it was something about her hair) came over to talk to me and Sibz. Sibz ignored her and I gave one word answers. Tamzin began texting Lizzie�s mobile (that�s a cell phone for you yanks) saying �Let�s sort this out in a civil manner. Meet us at Danny�s house� Well my, we were not stupid enough to go to Danny�s house, we started heading back to Sibz�s house. We ran into them half way there.

Tamzin came over to us, she was seriously out of this world. She was not plugged into reality. She was delusional. She seemed to think it was a game, seriously, someone wins in the end (her she assumes as she is experienced at the game) but nobody really gets hurt. Either that or a cheesy American television drama. She was talking non stop, I�m not quite sure how to explain her attitude. I don�t think there�s a word for it, other than the fact that it was not real for her.

She said �You know I�m getting kinda bored, so I�m going to do some things I�ve always wanted to do, like this� she smacked Sibz in the face and her glasses went flying off. Sibz stood there emotionless. Tamzin was smirking and joking the whole time. Sam picked up her glasses.

�Don�t you fucking touch her� I believe were the words that left my lips.

She looked at me the whole time from then on, challenging me to hit her, daring me to either stand up for my friend or move on. A two option scenario. A game.

She said that Lizzie�s was the only friendship that mattered to her.

I hated her at that point.

This shockingly did not hurt me.

She did what she did to me � that was a year ago. She did what she did to Sam � she was somehow able to give enough pathetic justifications for that to almost make me believe her, ALMOST. And I still couldn�t make myself hate her.

I hated her when she hit Sibz. I really did hate her. Before that it was� not funny, but her whole attitude was � amusing enough for me not to be deeply upset. When she hit Sibz every emotion I have ever felt towards her changed.

I want to kill her.

I want to torture her.

If she died tomorrow I would laugh.

I am going to fight her when I get back from holiday, and I am going to do everything in my power in those 4, 5 days to train my body to win.

Apparently Sibz�s friends don�t stand up for her too well. Well we�ll see about that. I�m going to hurt her as much as my body will allow me. I�ve been perfecting my fighting skills for over a year in case it ever came down to this.

And it has.

Hey Randy, I don�t know if I�m going to be able to talk to you again before I go on holiday, so assuming that you read this at some point while I�m away, I�m going to go after her as soon as I get back, so I probably won�t get a chance to talk to you before that either. Sorry, but I�m going to. I don�t know if you think I should or not, but anyhow, yeah, just send me all your good vibes and hope that I don�t get hurt too badly. And e-mail me! Don't forget to e-mail me!

Bye people.

and for the record, friends of Tamzin are not my friends.

---Later Comment On Entry--- 20/08/03 I have since reversed the "Friends of Tamzin are not my friends" sentiment.>