I'm back. Well.. where do I start? I don't know if Sam reads this. Err but if he does he's about to find out some things he didn't know before. Well unless Tristan told him. I don't really care if he did, because I trust Sam not to go telling the whole world my business. Not to mention, there aren't that many people to tell these days. My list of friends is slowly becoming shorter and shorter. The whole Tamzin thing took away one important friendship, and even if other people, like Ben and Kalim still want to be my friend, Tamzin is going to make that increadibly awkward. I'm sorry to lose them, because they have been brilliant friends, and they've always been there. Not always in the capacity in which I needed them, but they have always been there. But all good things must come to an end. Ben, Kalim, on the offchance that you ever read this, I love you, but there's little chance of our lives intertwining for much longer now that we're out of school. I hope I'll carry on seeing you sometimes, but soon you will be out of my life forever and all I can say is goodbye. To Stephanie.. I see more chance of our interactions continuing for longer, as you still grace us with your presence on msn, but you know it won't last. And I love you too.

Okay, err, Sam, Lizzie and Stephanie are the only three people I can think of who have a reasonable chance of reading this and don't already know what I'm about to say (Oh and people who don't actually know me) Don't bring it up with me unless you absolutely must.

Err okay, I made myself sick a few times (eh around 4 or 5 including one time I wanted to test out whether I could do it) because I'm a moron. I realise it's not smart. Don't lecture me because I'll only tell you to piss off. And that's because I have a rather irrational fear that I'm going to put the weight that I've lost this summer back on. And I don't want that, and yeah, cause I'm a moron. So yes, you know now.

Uh.. I did it again while I was on holiday, and I kiiiiind of got caught by my fathers friend. Err basically he just knew I was sick and I didn't look ill or aything, so he asked if I'd done it on purpose, and I said no, and he said if I had I should talk to someone, and I said I didn't, and he said "Are you sure?" and I said "Yes!" And I think he believed me. But it made my stomach just jump.. you know like when you go downhill sharply and suddenly.. fuck my heart skipped a beat.. or 3. But I'm pretty sure he believed me. I hope.

I also told my dad about everything that happened with Tamzin, and it was the first time I'd told someone the whole story out loud, and I was literally shaking. I couldn't stop. I felt so weird. I got to the part where I hit her and got lots of praise from both my dad and his friend who said she sounded like a little cow, and a bully. And they said she had it coming to her, and that we should have reported her friend who had a knife, because knives are not safe things, and then they told some stories of their teenage days where they got into trouble with knives. And yeah, they said that hitting her was fine as long as I was ready to follow it through, which I was. If she'd have hit me back I would have fought her the best I could. They said talking her into the ground would have been better. But I pointed out that as I was crying and shaking and the only words I could find were "I hate you" that would have been tricky. I'm glad they approve though. Cause that whore had a whole lot more coming to her. I wish that I had the physical strength to kick her head in because I think I'd do it. I think if I could get away with it, I'd kill her. And I'm serious enough about that that Randy had to tell me not to, just in case I was thinking of it.

Well I'm out of things to say about me, I feel I ought to respond to Sibz's entries while I was away, because I can't ignore them but I know it's awkward actually having conversations about it (I know that Randy's good at that, Randy's good at a lot of things, he has experience, but I'm not)

Well I don't think there's much to say. Except don't. I love you, and so does everybody. And.. well now I've come to things that I really can't mention here, in fact I'm not even sure if I can mention them to you privately because they sound so ridiculous and selfish. But I love you, and ending your own existance is never the answer, not really. And I hope Randy doesn't read this, because he could say a lot about hypocracy there. But I (despite saying I'm not good at it) am always willing to talk. You know that. And I'm not going to be angry, because.. I dunno.. I just don't get angry. But that isn't because I don't care. So yeah, while I trust Ransall with you, I am always willing to talk (and not in a fake concern way)

As for the whole Sibz / Siobhan dilema, I have that too. I think everybody does to some extent, and I think I have it worse than most due to my irrational fear of change and not being myself. And witnessing the rapid change of not only myself but a lot of people around me didn't help. But you'd be suprised how much it scares me. I guess the best answer is to not fake, at all. It's better to have a few friends who love you for you than to have a lot of friends who love someone else. And I think that you'll find that the Sibz / Siobhan difference isn't as great as you imagine it is. And even if it was, even if you were actually completely different, you'd find that the vast majority of people are willing to be friends with a Siobhan despite losing a Sibz. Err, but again, I'm pretty sure the difference isn't as much as you think it is. And you'll make a lot more friends in your life than the ones you've got. Even if you were a completely different person than the one I knew, I'd rather that you be content with yourself than for me to be content with the person I knew you as. And that was pretty long and ramblesome, but I do care.>