Hey. Know who I miss? Sibby! I haven't spoken to her since I got back :'-(

On holiday I kinda suddenly dramatically became all deep and spiritual. (Err that's kind of sarcastic. But only kinda) So I'm having a "Deep and meaningful" phase. It'll end soon.

I wish I was special. You're so fucking special.

The worlds so pretty though, and every day you walk around the sweaty, smokey, clogged up by traffic streets of London, and you don't realise it. To realise it I think you really do have to be lying in a field in the middle of nowhere, staring up at the stars at 2 in the morning.

Because they are so fucking beautiful.

And it makes you realise how beautiful everything else is. Actually it's not the stars that did it for me. I adore stars, but actually it was a cloudy night, and it was just the cloud over the clear sky and looking through the gaps (this was early evening) and wondering where the cloud stopped and the sky began. And the shades of cloud were beautiful.

I'm not gonna turn into a silly little girl who's into diamonds (Bleugh, i don't like diamonds) and pink (Pink's alright though, if combined with black) and certainly not pink diamonds. But the natural world is so pretty. I'm getting out of London as soon as I can. So many people move here, and houses cost so much more.. but man what is the point? Who the hell wants to live in this shit hole? I ain't a true Londoner. I don't belong here.

Do I even belong in this country?

I think a prettier less Capitalist place would work for me better. I think I'd LOVE America - for about 2 weeks. Because it's like.. what I'm used to except in extremes. And with more laws I don't like so I'd be on demos every other day. And I LOVE demos. But in the long term.. I dunno, somewhere pretty. And cooler, I like the cold. Russia? Meh, I'd have to learn to speak Russian. But I think I'd be willing to do that. Or I dunno, maybe a 3rd world country, so I could actually feel what it was like. Or maybe I could do some work there. I don't know. But all I want to do with my life is to make people happy. That's really all. I just want people to be content. And I want to be happy myself.

I also want to be dictator of the world.

Like seriously.

I'd like to rule the world. I just want to have control.

I can't control all these things that happen and I want to control them. I don't just want to be the dictator of the world, if at all possible, I want to be God. But I DON'T want to be like Tamzin. If I thought for one second that me being God, or even really dictator of the world was possible, I'd have to smash my head against the wall 5 times, and add an extra time for every time I hesitated about doing it, or didn't do it my hardest.

I just want it.

A lot.

But I am God in a sense. I'm the God of my own life. Every choice I make is mine to make. I can do what I want. I'm bound only by the laws of physics really, if you look deep into it. If I decided to take over the world, all I'd really have to worry about is 50 pissed off nations' armies, their emotional strength would matter little. It's their armies that would stop me. I have control over my own life though, I can do what I want, physical boundaries may stop me, but.. I can do a lot of things. If I wanted to, I could kill somebody. I could probably kill a lot of people before I got caught. Especially if I lived in America or something. Just pick up a gun take into school and bang bang bang, all those people who pissed me off fall down dead. Oh dear. That's sad. Boo hoo. I'd like to see them die, some of them. Never by my hand. But I wouldn't weep for them. It's quite scary to think that I have more sympathy for the people who shoot up their schools than the people who get shot.

Why do I fight myself though?

I'm my best friend, but am I my worst enemy as well? Perhaps. But I won't fight me because I'm capable of doing things.

My mind is in no rational order right now, I'm aware.

But man the world is beautiful.

How little control we have of our own life. The government decides what we can or cannot do, and then America decides what our government can or cannot do, and George Bush decides what America can or cannot do. My God. George Bush rules the world. He's my only opponent. Whew, what a moron. I'd be sure to win. In theory.

But really, why does somebody else get to make decisions on what I can and cannot do with my life? It's MY life. So fuck off George Bush and fuck off Tony Blair, fuck off mother, fuck off and piss off out of MY life, cause I'll do what the hell I want you know. I'm not going to not kill people cause it's against the law, I'm going to not kill people because I believe it's wrong. If someone had had a different idea civilisation would be so different, so why should I conform to this one?>