And when you're watching a movie, you always know what's coming next. Yeah, there are twists in the plot, and there are faded lines and no, you can't predict the whole plot, but you can generally make a damn good guess.

You know when the main character is about to do something stupid, you know when a character can't be trusted, you know more or less who's going to be victorious in the end.

And part of me feels like I'm watching my own film. And that's the part that's screaming at me not to do something stupid, but the other part is the character and it doesn't care. It only cares about its short term interests.

I'm going to get hurt so badly, and I'm scared. I don't want to fuck up. I'm not scared, I'm terrified. Let's be completely honest, we all know that teen relationships almost never last. But I cling. And I am ridiculously loyal. And because I cling... well... that causes me to get hurt. Because I don't want to let things go, even when it's long past time to. I need stability. And losing things is never good.

I finally plucked up the courage to pretty much tell Ryan that I like him. I didn't exactly say it like that, in fact it was a:

"It's just that *whispers* ... if you like me then you can ask me out and I won't say no, and if not, then I'll just go sulk in a corner somewhere"

The bastard made me wait 3 minutes before answering. 3 minutes of trying to keep my heart from racing so fast that it... I don't know.. would explode or something. Then when I finally did get an answer it was a "Hmmmmm" followed by a "Give it a few days :-)"

Apparantly there's something he needs to take care of first.

I take this to mean that he needs to finish dumping his girlfriend who he's been taking a "break" from for a lengthy amount of time.

I feel bad.

Very bad.

I feel embarrassed.

I feel awkward.

I feel unhappy.

I feel nervous.

These are all the wrong emotions. I should be happy, and hopeful. But I'm not. It's going to end painfully no matter what. He's going to break my heart. With a sledge hammer. I'm going to be crushed into a thousand pieces.

Most people can get over these things. I can't. I cling. I don't get over things. I remain unhappy, and embarrassed, and awkward for huge amounts of time. I'm Annie. Those two words, "I'm Annie" should explain everything. But of course they dont'.

Oh God, I wish I had something to lean on. I wish I had something I could garuntee would always be there. I wish I had some sort of religion. I wish I had a fully developed and true set of political beliefs. I wish I had a CD that could make me cry everytime I heard it. I wish I could trust something. I don't completely trust anything. Not even my mum who I know wants everything that's best for me. I can't rely on her forever. I can't even rely on her now. She smokes. She'll die of lung cancer and leave me all alone.

But I don't have a religion, I find the idea of organised religion ridiculous.

I don't have a rigid set of political beliefs, people who will never change their opinions are stupid.

I don't have a CD that can make me cry everytime, I have a lot of CDs that affect me.

It's a nice morning. I'm going for a walk. I may be some time. (heh, but don't worry, I'm not going to go die in the snow somewhere)>