Yeah. Today was pretty crap. I think Ryan's going to dump me. Well no, I don't think he is. But I get the impression that he's not as interested as he was. Well.. not that exactly. Oh I don't know.

Today, in the morning, Annabel texted him telling him that I said to come in at lunch time (He didn't have a lesson in the morning) and he said no, he was going to sleep then come in for politics and then go home, and that kind of got me a little bit... annoyed. Then when he got to school, I was joking about how I was going to beat him up for not coming in at lunch. And he was pretty unresponsive.

Then at break we were kind of talking, and Jesse and Annabel were there, and Jesse had just kind of had a big argument with Ezra, and Ryan was kind of taking Jesse's side (Even though he didn't actually say it) And then one of the girls who Ryan had been arguing with came along.

Ryan started to apologise for saying that the bible was bullshit, and then I jumped in, critisising him and saying that I think she's an evil bitch because she's homophobic and he was entitled to say everything that he did say. He glared at me and said, "Do you mind?" Maybe I did go a little over the top. I did apologise to him and he said it was okay. But I'm not sure it is. I think I fucked up. But I don't take it back. I hate her and I don't even know her and I stand strongly by what I said, and that's just something that people have to deal with.

If they want to be my friend they're going to just have to put up with the fact that I'll speak my mind, or they can go fuck themselves.

The rest of sociology wasn't quite so good after that. I was nearly crying because of the look that he gave me. But I know that I kind of have to be strong when it comes to that sort of thing, because it's a choice of changing and oppressing a part of who I am or not changing and putting up with people getting pissed off with me now and again. And I'll always choose the latter because that's what I believe in.

Anyway, after the lesson he was kind of hanging around Jesse, then he had to go off and find his friend. I went down with him and we kind of talked until his friend arrived. I asked if he was avoiding me and he said no, but that I seem to be being really weird lately. I think he looks past the fact that I'm ALWAYS weird. Maybe I've been weirder. My mum seems to think I'm being weird as well.

Anyway, I apologised again, and he said that it was okay, I'd just made him look a bit stupid. And I said, "No, I made myself look like a stupid belligerant bitch, but I don't think I made you look stupid" but he said that because I'd jumped in when he was trying to apologise to her, that made him look stupid especially as she knows we're going out. I said sorry again. And I guess I am sorry for making him look stupid. I should have said what I said to her in my own name, and not while Ryan was around, and not using him and his previous argument with her as a tool to bitch.

He said it was okay, and to forget about it.

Then when we left he said he'd talk to me online and we'd arrange to meet up over half term and stuff, go to Camden or something. And then I caught up with Lucinda and walked most of the way home with her.

Anyhow, I got back home, my mum called me to watch the last concordes land and I did (It was boring) then I went back downstairs to check my e-mails. Ryan had sent me one saying that I'd seemed a bit off this afternoon, and he probably had too, and that if I wanted to talk he'd be on tonight and over the weekend as well.

I don't know. Have I been weirder lately? If I have it's probably because of him. Oh I don't know, a week and a half and it feels like everything's already going wrong.

I'll probably be posting endless pathetic breakup poems soon. Oh God, I hope this works out. I like him so much.>