Going away with my dad in approximately 3 hours. I won't enjoy my holiday because I still haven't spoken to Ryan, and I hate leaving loose ends. He's avoiding me. If he doesn't want to talk to me, fair enough, he's entitled to some privacy, but the asshole could say it to my face. Instead he just avoids me. I'm going to slap him on monday when I see him. Literally. He's made my half term miserable and he is going to pay.

You know, if he dumped me, I'd be upset, but I'd get over it. It's the not knowing. Is he pissed off with me or is he avoiding everyone? Is it because I've been being "weird"? Is he generally disinterested? I'm so angry. I think I deserve for him to at least speak to me, you know, what with the being his girlfriend and all. I mean maybe there's nothing up, and I'm making a mountain out of a molehill (pardon the cliche) but ... I'm upset.

So I'm going to be increadibly pissed off on monday. After going over a week without seeing him.... We'll have been going out 3 weeks and for over a third of that time we'll have been apart. That's ridiculous. I like him a lot. More than I care to admit. I always do. And it always hurts that the other person cares for me less. In any kind of relationship. I'm the weak link. The dependant. And I don't like it.

I miss Randy.

Ryan's made us not as close I think. That upsets me. I'll make more of an effort, because Randy's the person I pour my heart and soul into. And I'm certainly not ditching him and pouring my soul into an empty vessel like Ryan. Fuck. I wish I could only physically want him. But I'm a girl. And girls are by nature hopeless romantics.

It's incurable and I hate it. I hate people who get all mushy over guys and I've become one of them.

Fuck everything that I've become. I hate myself and part of me just wants to curl up and die. Not because of Ryan. I'm not that melodramatic. Just because every time things get good they always fall apart. And it all happens at once. My life all comes together, and everything's perfect - except maybe one thing. And while I'm trying to get that thing perfect everything else falls apart as well. And I have to live with myself for the rest of my life. It would probably be convenient if I liked myself. But I don't. I think I'm beautiful now, that's RYan's effect. But only on the outside. I can't seem to love my character.

I shall write again when I return. Have a good week. I'll try to as well.>