I hate everyone I love. I feel so worthless right now, like my life isn't really worth living. I should be happy, everything is better than it's ever been, but ... every little thing is bringing me down 10 times harder.

Feelings of frustration, of a lack of control. I fear things that I have no control over. More and more and more as time goes by. I just want to know that everything's alright. I want that and then I can get on with my life. But I think Ryan's avoiding me. He thinks I'm weird. I called him yesterday and I'm so bad on phones, I was just stammering, and he said to keep off the drugs, and I was just like, "huh?" and then he said nevermind and that he had to go, and that he'd be online later. He didn't come online later. He's avoiding me and it hurts. What if he ends up breaking up with me because I'm supposedly being so odd? I cling. I cling and I get too close to people too quickly. And Ryan's been everything I've been holding on to. Without him I wouldn't let go... I'd just go into a complete freefall.

I need something that I can permanantly depend on. And there's nothing. And that just upsets me. Because everyone can hurt me, and most of them will.>