Oh God. Where do I start? Do I say I'm sorry? I'm not. I meant everything I said. But I didn't mean some of the things I thought, and I didn't mean the way some of the things I said could be perceived.

What am I supposed to do? Sit there and watch ... watch what? Morbid diary entry after morbid diary entry after morbid diary entry? Hell I guess on the plus side I have a choice of not bothering to read the diaries, which I wouldn't if they said it in person. But I do read them. I don't really have that much choice. I wouldn't not.

But it's tedious. It's a chore. I don't like to read their diaries. I don't like to have to see that. Especially Harriet's. That just pisses the hell out of me. I don't think she's had one cheerful - or even vaugely upbeat - entry in her diary since she got it. I mean I don't know if she is living one hell of a miserable existance or what. I'm tempted to believe that she makes it miserable herself. She WANTS it to be miserable. And... well... whatever. I understand that. I just think it's stupid.

How 'bout a quick flight of fantasy before I have to go face the real world again.

So let's pretend we're in a resturant, and it has really really good food. I know what I'm going to order, for my starter I'm going to order a salad with olives and feta cheese and lettuce and tomato, there will also be stuffed olives in little trays on the table, to eat while waiting.

Then as my main course, I think I'm in the mood for roast pork. Mustard gravy drizzling down it on the plate, roast potatos and parsnips all around it like a crown, peas, carrots, all covered in this thick mustard sauce. The crackling just crunching in your mouth, with its rich, salty flavour. Yum.

For dessert, of course it will be chocolate fudge cake, cream dripping down the sides, a huge slice. Not only that, but strawberries will surround it, all cut in half very neatly, and a single one resting on the top. So rich, so fattening, but so fucking delicious.

Then we'll leave the resturant. Go to see a film. Something deep that makes you constantly think, that will make you think for hours afterwards. The characters played by talented actors and actresses, interesting characters, not stereotypical, real human type characters. Those that are nearly impossible to create. And it will be set in Northern Ireland, but away from the violence, and it will be raining all the time in this film. But it won't be morbid. There will be sad parts, funny parts and happy parts, just like any good film. Then the real shock will be the ending. Something totally unexpected. Shocking. Wonderful. Genious. It will make us think for months.

Then we'll go home to the palace. Walk through the front door, greeted by a roll of soft and bright red carpet. We'll take off our shoes at the front door and change into comfortable slippers. Walk along the carpet until we reach our bedrooms. Mine's painted black and white, stripes on the walls, with black curtains and a balck carpet, but a white wardrobe and white shelves and a desk. The bed will be huge. King size. Black and white stiped duvet cover. I'll crawl under the blankets (The bed will be made) and sleep, with the sound of melow music (Maybe something like Coldplay - but less depressing) softly playing in the background.

Okay. Fantasy over. Now you know the inner workings of my mind. Only ever after comfort. Comfort and good food.

Wow, look at me, a slut and a glutton. Glorious combination.

"I dunno what I want but I know how to get it"

Well that just ain't much use now is it?

Gah. Why is everyone so far away?

Annie>