And again we witness the reversal of roles, everybody's happy and I'm so depressed I could kill myself.

I have serious issues. My need to be able to fight is taking insane levels. I had Ryan at my house for about 3 hours teaching me today. I've given up on him for boyfriend material, but whatever, he's good. He's a good friend and a good teacher of the violence.

I'm gonna start doing pressups and shit. I don't care how attractive I am anymore, as long as I know that I'm strong enough to grab somebody and throw them against the wall. As long as I know that I'm strong enough that if someone I don't want to ever comes near me, they'll regret it. They'll die. I will dig my thumbs into their adams apple with serious force.

But fuck, I don't care, that's unlikely to happen, and I'm kidding myself that being physically strong will make a difference. I just wish I'd never been born.

I realised that it's not the fact that I'm unattractive that keeps me so undesired. It's the fact that I'm scary. I'm scary and I'm fake. I'm eccentric and yet I'm boring. I don't want to be dead, but I wish I'd never been born.

My room's tidy and I just spent half an hour, lying in the centre of it thinking. Then before I knew it, I was crying. How can I go from being so happy to being so sad so quickly? And why must it happen so often?

Saw Nathan today, I was getting a bit worried, I hadn't seen him all week. Ran into him in the library, he was typing something which had the subheading "My Symptoms" but I was well mannered enough to look away and not read the rest. I wandered off out the library and stood on the stairs (I didn't fancy spending lunchtime with Steve and Jo and Ben and people)

Anyhow, then Nathan came down the stairs and said, "Sorry about that, I just had to type some stuff up for my councillor" and we stood there for a bit, talking, but then he stopped talking and he just stood there staring out of the window. I asked if he was okay and he said, "Yeah, just a bit depressed" and I said, "Fun. I'm not depressed. Just deeply unhappy" and he said something about how that was the same thing and not to let other people undermine it.

Then we started talking about my social problems, he pretty much came out and told me that I was crap at making friends. Gee, thanks Nathan. I know it's true though. I can make friends, but only shallow superficial friendships that I sooner or later neglect cause I don't really care about them and I get bored of talking to people in question. If I make a good friend, generally, they have to put everything into the friendship, because I can put everything in and it still doesn't work out. I don't know why. I guess a lot of people just don't want to be my friend. Probably for the same reason that nobody wants to go out with me. I'm just... I don't know. Maybe I'm just not meant to have friends.

I don't seem to be, because I never seem to get them, not really. I always care a thousand times more about the other person in any kind of relationship than they care about me. The only exception being my mother. But it hurts. It's just constantly painful, every time I think about it, it feels like I'm already dying.

I think I feel emotions too strongly. All of them. Love, happiness, hate, anger, unhappiness, lust / desire, fear. All of those things can cripple me. Emotions ARE a weakness. They make people like you, but they bring you down. Especially in your own mind. They make you feel inadequate and unhappy, invalid and alone. Emotions are fucking powerful, and I'm kind of glad I have them. I just wish I didn't have them so strongly. All the times where I've felt emotionally numb - nah. I always feel emotions, just sometimes they're the wrong ones. Sometimes I'm angry when I should be unhappy. Unhappy when I should be in love. Whatever. I don't know. But I hate myself. I hate my feelings. I hate the fact that I can love so much and get only apathy in return. I can be willing to die for somebody and at the end of the day, whether I live or die doesn't even matter to them. And it always happens. Every friendship. Every relationship.

You know who's a good person? Stephanie. She gets a lot of bad rap, some people think she's boring, shallow, stupid. But she's not. She's a good person, she is one of the few genuinely kind people I know, genuinely giving. She's probably one of the least selfish people I know. She's tactless but fuck, at least she's honest. At least she does not intentionally hurt people. And as Blanche, in A Streetcar Named Desire, Deliberate cruelty is one of the few things that are just not forgiveable.

I just need to find a place in this world that I feel comfortable in. Because right now, I don't feel comfortable anywhere except for alone in my bedroom with a good album on and all thoughts pushed out of my head. I'm not even comfortable inside my own skin. I'm not strong enough, when I'm too weak to do something I feel wrong. Awkward. I like the feeling of picking up a heavy object. I like anything that requires physical effort but that I can do. It's the all or nothing that gets to me. If I can't even budge something I feel weak, but picking up a cardboard box doesn't gratify me. I need to be strong.

I need to find something. I need to be something. I need to find soemthing that I enjoy or that I'm good at. I don't know what. Anything. I need someone to love who loves me back exactly the same amount. Life's painful. Emotions are painful.

Ryan got his tongue pierced today. I thought I'd hate it, but it actually looks okay. He has to wash it with salt water which is deeply unpleasant.

The end>