God I wish I was dead sometimes. Today being one of those times. I can't help it, I was happy earlier and I'm just miserable now. I went out and bought loads of chocolate earlier, and then I just threw it all up.

I don't like myself at all any more. I was telling Lucinda yesterday, we all left together, me, Lucinda, Ezra and Florence. First Florence turned off, and then Ezra and me and Lucinda were left talking. She mentioned that I'd been quiet and seemed really down lately and asked why. I tried to explain and couldn't, so I ended up telling her about why I think I have such trouble getting relationships. Most of this revolved around my hatred of basically everything about me. My looks, my eccentricity, the way I do things, the way I talk, the way I act, the way I phrase things, my mannerisms, my body language, my attitude. Everything.

She said,"You really don't like yourself much, do you?"

God she's so beautiful, and sweet and nice, and on top of that she's both clever and funny. She's quiet but she's not boring, she doesn't talk too loud or too softly and every word she says makes some kind of sense. She's confident but she never crosses the line into arrogance. And she's normal. She's normal, she doesn't stand out, but she is still nice and she's interesting. She's never awkward like me, she's always aware of where she stands socially, and she can sense when she's welcome and when she's not, something I've never been able to do.

But I'm not jealous of her. She must be one of the few people who I'm not jealous of. Why not? I don't know. I'm nothing like her I guess. To be like her I'd have to throw away everything that I am. There are people I'd rather be like who are closer to myself than she is.

She's right. I hate myself. If there's any one thing that I hate about myself more than anything else, I think it must be my awkwardness. I don't fit in with anybody. I'm the one who stands out, I'm always the one who says something stupid, I'm the one who just doesn't quite fit. Any social group, whether it's Tamzin and her friends (Not that I've been around them recently of course, but last year) or it's Sibz and Lizzie and their friends, or it's Ryan and Nathan (Again, not recently of course), or if it's Ezra, Lucinda and Florence, or even if it's the Ben's and their friends. I stick out like a sore thumb.

There are two people who I don't feel like that with. Ryan (Non-orange) and Sam. It doesn't matter who else is around, if they're there, I don't feel left out. Although, I haven't seen Sam in so long. Not since the 5th of November... I miss him horribly. I need to see him soon. I take him for granted, but I don't know what my life would be like if he wasn't there. He can say stupid things, and act like a complete prick, but at the same time, along with Sibz, he's my best friend and I love him. And if there's one person in the world, apart from my immediate family, who my loyalties lie with above everybody else, it's probably him.

We have barely anything in common. We like some of the same music I guess. We're around the same age. We're both arrogant and share some of the same prejudices. But the only reason we're really friends is for the simple reason that in Highbury Grove, we lacked anybody better. I had Tamzin and co who treated me like shit looking back on it. He had Nicola and co who were always incredibly... well... boring. And so when we had food technology together, a class that neither of us had really wanted to do, we became friends. But I don't regret it. Never. He's a great friend with a strong but brilliant personality, and I'll be fucked if I ever let anybody tell me different.

As for Ryan, well, at the moment he's all I've really got. I have to tell him that at some point. No, I can't ever go out with him. Not even if he likes me, which I'm pretty sure (And I say this honestly, not modestly. I've never been a modest person) that he doesn't. He's the person who I've been seeing most of recently and who I've enjoyed seeing most. He makes me not sad. Not exactly happy, but not sad. The best thing about him, is that he doesn't do exactly what I do do and wish I didn't. He doesn't do the thing that nearly all of my friends do. He doesn't take life too seriously. And why the hell would he? The world's so fucked up, you just have to turn it into a joke.

He turns everything into a joke, something I resented before, but I don't now. Cause just because he turns everything into a joke does not mean that he doesn't care. It doesn't mean that he can't say anything that's not a joke. He laughs. And laughing is good. It's healthy. He's not the best friend type, or even indeed, the boyfriend type. I don't bond with him on a deep emotional level, I bond with him through laughter and it's great.

Now, I've written about 2 people I don't often write about, but there are two more people I want to talk about today, because I never do. I never say enough about them. I never let them know how important they are.

Lizzie and Stephanie.

Lizzie first. Lizzie I suppose I've never paid that much attention to because I've always seen her more as "Sibz's friend" than one of my own. But of course she is. I think part of this is that I resent her for her religion, which I don't deny it, I think is one of the stupidest things on this planet, but that doesn't make her one of the stupidest people on the planet. No, on the contrary, she's brilliant. She's funny, even if most of that does come through mostly in her blonde ditziness, and she's nice and she cares about the world. She's brilliant.

I remember when I ran into her and Sibz at lunchtime, and I'm not 100% sure, but I think that I hugged Sibz and completely forgot to hug Lizzie. In fact I'm not even sure I realised Lizzie was there until a couple of minutes later. I was kind of out of it. But, that's silly of me, cause I always underestimate her. The thought that Lizzie's going to be there when I go out always fails to excite me, but that's not to say that I don't greatly enjoy her company, and I want to say now, that even if Sibz wasn't there, I would still want to be her friend, cause she's great.

But Stephanie, oh Stephanie, how I regret my attitude sometimes.

One of the few friendships that I get more out of than I put into. I pass her over. When I first became friends with Tamzin, she was just one of Tamzin's friends. The only thing I could find to talk about with her was Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Then, I stopped being friends with Tamzin, and I don't know, I think I just thought of Stephanie as really boring.

She's prone to getting stupid obsessions with famous people, or just stupid obsessions in general (Like, oh say, Harry Potter) and her taste in music has amost nothing in common with mine (Coldplay being about the only exception I think of at the moment) She dresses the way she dresses to avoid getting hastle from other people (I recall a specific conversation about a certain red skirt) she believes in God partially because she's afraid of the unknown, she's loyal to Tamzin despite all the things that Tamzin has done to other friends of hers.

But is that why I sometimes talk down to Stephanie? Is that why I'm so condescending? Is that why she's one of my favourite people to start a big argument with?

Or could it be because I know that I have a good shot of winning?

Am I a bully just like Tamzin?

I don't know, but I'm sorry. I remember when I took all my anger at everybody in the world who practices any sort of organised religion out on her alone? Why her? Mostly because I wasn't going to take it out on Lizzie. Why not? Mostly because I need Lizzie more than I need Stephanie. Lizzie is Sibz's best friend. Sibz is one of my best friends. I couldn't have Lizzie hating me could I? No. So I took everything out on poor old Stephanie, and I was wise in my choice, because I recall completely thrashing her argument. Even Sibz joined in and loved every minute of it.

I'm ashamed.

I don't agree with organised religion, but Stephanie is a great person. She's not selfish, she is interesting, she has views even though I disagree with many of them, she says what she thinks, she does everything for the best, she's loyal, something that I too share. I can't lie. I was loyal to Tamzin for a long time despite the fact that I witnessed her bully Stephanie the way she later bullied me. How the hell can I now go ahead and blame Stephanie for being friends with her? How the hell could I ever be that hypocritical?

Stephanie is not someone who I could ever be the bestest best buddies with either, but I do, and always have enjoyed her company, and I hope that I don't ever lose contact with her, because I think she's super.

Well, there we are. Writing that actually cheered me up a bit, I'm still angry with myself, but for now the hatred is fading.

Everyone who I didn't mention, I love you all too. Just thought I'd devote my attention to those who I don't usually bother giving it to because it's not worth my time. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I'm sorrier than sorry, I'm so sorry. Sorry for everytime I've ignored you, sorry for every time I've declared hatred for you or your beliefs just out of frustration and lack of understanding. Sorry for every time I've taken a small thing out of proportion. Sorry for every time I've used you. Ezra says that everybody uses people, but I'm still sorry. I admire Tamzin's... skill... for being able to do that and not having her concience wither in pain, but I could never be so cruel or manipualtive and I never want to be. If I ever become like that, shoot me. I never want to use anybody. I'm so sorry. >