I've been thinking about what my New Year's resolution is going to be. I want to have one, cause when I make a promise to do something, I tend to try harder to do it.

So what kind of resolution? Easy or hard? General or specfic? I don't know, my mind isn't even functioning fully. Every time I try to think I just can't be bothered. I couldn't even be bothered to write this entry until my step dad called me upstairs and then I came back down again and didn't really want to go back to lying on my bed trying to block out everything.

It was awful. I felt like I should be crying but it wasn't that kind of sadness. I just could not be bothered to cry. I couldn't be bothered to let anything out. I was just lying there wishing that I was not a part of this world. I don't know what's wrong with me. I mean these phases are not normal, not to this extent. I mean a few weeks ago, I was crying with happiness at being a fucking part of the world and now all I want is out. I just don't want to be here.

My life is pointless, borng, miserable, I hate the world, I hate myself, I'm lonely, I'm angry with myself and so many other feelings that I just cannot put into words. And hurting myself didn't help. It just made me more depressed, filled me with more self loathing. Disgust. It was like 2 hours of temporary fucking relief. I felt like I'd expressed myself in a sense. But not now. Now I just feel sick. Sick in the sense that ... I don't know. I'm so unhappy that it seems to physically hurt. I'm disgusted with myself. I hate everything that I am.

I hate the way I look, I hate the way I act, I hate the way I see things, I hate the way I refuse to change, I hate my mannerisms, I hate my boringness, I hate my emotions, I hate myself for feeling those emotions, I hate the way I'm just so... stupid and ignorant, I'm not clever, I'm just clever compared to them and what's more, I hate the fact that I'm not as good as some people. In any way. There are people in the world who are better than me in every sense of the word. Jo. The only thing I have going for me over her is chastity and it's not even like I'd have that if I had the choice.

I feel like I shouldn't be saying these things because someone else will just read this and I'll have just thrown more fuel in the fire of their own depression and then they'll read some other diary like this and they'll go top themselves. And then I'd be indirectly responsible for somebody elses suicide. It's possible. Unlikely, but possible. And I DO care, but I'm afraid that I'm not going to stop because of that. I have to get this out because that's the only way I can make it any better.>