Why can't I be one of those depressed people who lose weight. Guess I just like food too much. Oh well. I guess I look nice enough as it is without getting all obsessive. Obsessive is stupid and dangerous.

I'm going for a new solution. A less destructive, more insightful solution.

But I still want to share. I hate to be alone.

The thing is I'm always looking for a simple solution. One answer that explains everything. It's a mirical I'm not religious. But, life isn't really about simple solutions is it? There isn't one thing that will make me happy. There isn't one thing that's worth living for, worth dying for. There isn't one thing that makes the world go round. There isn't one important concept, important belief, important feeling, emotion. It's complicated and twisted, like a labirynth. So many challenges and puzzles and so much confusion and there's always the chance that we'll never find an answer. Because there isn't one answer.

I don't know what to do. I feel lost and helpless and I don't know which way is forward.

And I don't even know the answers to what's going on in my own mind. I barely know what I'm doing, let alone why I'm doing it and what I want from it. Would you think less of me if I said that I'm terrified?

I know that I'm not bad at expressing my feelings, but there's stuff in here that I couldn't get out even if I tried. And it's stuff that I want people to know. I want people to feel it the way I feel it.

I always thought on some level that I was meant to change the world. I always thought that I was meant for something. I don't believe in faith or in destiny, or whatever, and it's not like I really thought it.. but... I believed it. On a level I believed it. I thought that I was special. I thought that if anyone was gonna change anything, it was gonna be me.

Maybe I can. Even if I can't, it's something that it's worthwhile giving it a shot.

I think what it is, is that it's the only thing I want to do. I don't want to be rich. I don't want to be famous. I don't want everyone to love me. I can't think of a single job that would make me happy, that would make me feel like I was helping anybody in the long term.

See, I've mentioned before that I put all my energies on one thing at a time. It's why I'm good at games like monopoly and chess. It's why I get so obsessed with things (Like Buffy The Vampire Slayer - I can't believe it's over!) It's why I can do pretty much anything as long as I really want to. I just put all my efforts into doing that one thing and forget about everything else. But I don't care about monopoly or chess, and I don't care about doing super well in one subject, and I don't care about ... I know it sounds bad, but I don't really care about making close friends at the moment either.

The only thing that matters to me is changing things so that everybody else has the opportunity to do the things that matter to them. I can't though. I don't even know where to begin. Do I want to be prime minister or do I just want to have a lot of influence. Maybe I just want to be a drugs councillor. I could be the leader of a massively influential pressure group. I could ... I don't know. I know what I want but I don't have a fucking clue about how to get it this time.

I want to change the world. I want to change everything. And when I say everything, I mean everything. I want to abolish organised religion, I want to throw the current system upside down, I want to demolish every day traditions and make everything more relevant. I want to even out wealth a bit. I want people to be able to live in comfort.

My step dad was talking to his brother Jake. Now Jake is 15, Jake loves money. All he wants to do with his life is make lots of it. The fact is, Jake already lives in a big house with 6 bedrooms and only 5 people. He has a study and a massive kitchen, but also a dining room.

He goes to a school which have fund raising balls that cost �40 to get into. (That's about.. I dunno... $65?)

Now my little sister also goes to her local school. She also goes to a state run comprehensive. They have fund raising events that most parents can't even afford to dish out �2. In fact, most parents are poor as fuck. About half of them have only just come to the country, can't speak English and can't work. They don't have access to computers at home.

But that's not the worst of it. How about if we take a trip to I don't know.. Eithiopia where they don't even have clean water.

You see what I'm saying? Jake has a very narrow view of life because he hasn't ever seen anything different. I pointed this out to him and he actually got quite upset and offended. Meh. It upsets me as well.>