Did I want it? Didn't I want it?

It's kind of hard to tell. I knew I had an interest in him, I knew he had an interest in me, but I never knew that that would happen. Yes. I kissed Ezra.

See what happened was: Note on the door of my history class "Go to room 210" 210 turns out to be booked for another class (it's a computer room) a bunch of us think, "Hey, let's leave" I decide not to. I see teacher coming, I see Ezra and Ben out the window, I decide to go. I chase down the stairs after them. Well gay Ben goes his own way, and Ezra invites me back to his place. We go back to his place and we talk for a while.

He asks me if I'm ticklish. I confess that I am.

And so it was a mixture of deep conversation and tickling for a bit, and then we talked about relationships and our own personal little issues, and he admitted that he likes me - and then I told him about my little problem with going on holiday. I was a little reluctant at first, but then he basically just said, "Tell me" and I looked up at him and I decided that I trust him. And I do. I have to say, it was the first time I've ever seen him.. serious. But in a good way. He held my arm and pulled up my sleeve and he made me actually want never to do anything like that again. He didn't make me feel stupid, but he made me feel like I'd made a big mistake. Like I knew it was stupid even if he didn't really make me feel bad about myself, you know? And he just held my arm, and his hands are so big and cool and I felt.. I don't know. I just felt safe. Like I'd finally realised something. And he was saying how he didn't understand it at all, and then he realised I was getting a bit upset and kind of started talking about how he hates the sight of blood and stuff and yeah, he asked a couple of questions and that was that. And I felt better. Much better.

Then he told me that he kind of wanted to kiss me. And we kissed. And then again. And then again. And his hand was going up my top, and it got about as far as the bottom of my bra, and it was getting harder to pull away before he got his tongue into my mouth (I didn't want to kiss with tongues for a fear that I'd be really bad and he'd hate me - am I insecure or what?) anyway, yeah, so I pulled his hand out of my top, and we stopped, and we were kind of like "Woah... where are the boundries here?" But we kissed again. And then he was like, "I think... we may just have to talk about this" and then we were both kind of confused, just sat there trying to work out exactly what we wanted. So then I left and we agreed to talk tomorrow (Today).

So I went home, and it seems we both made the same conclusion. "No. I do not want a relationship right now." And so we met up in the break of our first lesson today (He had politics next door to my sociology class, and I swear to God, Ryan (who's in his class) was watching us like a hawk) and basically he told me what he (What we both thought... at the time) thought (That we both have issues and that he didn't know what I wanted, but he doesn't really want a relationship right now) and I told him yeah, he's right, and we agreed to forget it and go on being friends.

But I don't know if that's what I really want. I mean okay, it's what he wants, so it doesn't really matter if I want to go out with him, I can't, but... do I want to? I felt so comfortable with him. It felt right, like he wasn't planning it out and I trusted him in a way that I never trusted Ryan. I told him I was terrified of being used, and he said that he wouldn't use me, but that he didn't know what he wanted, and he's basically justa fucking decent guy, and I know I'm a bad judge of character. But usually even when I do trust somebody, I know if they're a biggot, deep down inside. And Ezra isn't.

Remember when I thought he was the ugliest guy alive?

Well, time's gone by, and he just looks different. Sure he's enormous and tall and hairy and he has a very camp voice and he's scary, but... I don't know. I like him. He's just such a lovely person. And if he changed his mind, if he did want to give it a go, I think I'd probably say yes. Cause I trust him more than I trust anybody. Well... most people anyway. And I think we'd be quite well suited to eachother. Oh I don't know.

It's just really weird. I mean I'd thought about it a lot, but I hadn't said anything, and I certainly hadn't expected anything to happen, and generally I'd pushed the thoughts out of my mind, but I can't keep them out now. I want to give it a try. Damn, if only he did too.

Ryan (Normal, non-orange Ryan) laughed at me when I told him. He mocked me. I don't care. Ryan is one of these other people I trust immensely, but the difference between Ryan and Ezra is that Ezra is capable of stopping and being serious, which Ryan just doesn't seem to be at all.

Oh, and also, Ezra's latest statement on Nathan: "Yeah, he is an asshole, I just didn't say so before because it suits me to be on good terms with him because he's friends with Ryan and Jesse and they listen to what he has to say. He's two faced like (Orange) Ryan, just forget about it, and don't let it hurt you too much." Also he said that while Nathan is a prick, that I should blame Ryan more than him. Apparantly Ryan is bitchy in my absense. Makes a change. I'm sure nobody else is (Ha!)

God it's so confusing being sixteen. For anyone who's past that, lucky you, and I don't recomend going through it again. God... I thought it was just that people I care about tend to be untrustworthy. This time it's just that... it's just that... he doesn't want me the way I want him. Who would?

But right now, I don't know, it was like yesterday a light just went on and shined really really brightly on what I wanted... just like a sudden click of realisation. Was it there before? I think so... I don't know. Maybe I'm just a desperate whore who'll go out with anyone who shows an interest. But it doesn't feel like that. It feels like... like if anyone else showed an interest, I'd urn them down, just for not being him.

God this is pathetic. I wouldn't. I'm sure I woudln't. I bet I could grow to love anybody. It's just that right now... ARGH. I'M GOING GAY. FUCK BOYS, FUCK MEN, THEY'RE NICE ENOUGH AS FRIENDS, BUT FROM NOW ON, THAT'S IT.

I'M GAY

I'M GAY

I'M GAY

No longer bisexual, I am

GAY

GAY

GAY

GAY

GAY

GAY

GAY

GAY

GAY!!!>