I'm going to have to bring it up again soon or instead of talking about it, we are going to argue about it. And I don't want to argue, not with anyone, and especially not with Randy. I treat him like dirt sometimes. I don't mean to, I love him really, it's just that... sometimes I get a little preoccupied with myself, and forget that he's a person not just a machine that spurts out comforting phrases, good advice and amusing jokes.

I guess that's one major problem with the Internet, sometimes you forget that there's a real person on the other end.

I put another link up on my diary template, titled "The story". It goes back to an entry that I wrote in July, explaining everything that happened with Tamzin. It's just for anybody who starts reading my diary and can't work out who or what the hell I'm talking about. I guess Tamzin takes up a whole lot of the stuff I say, but I think that's understandable, because she's been an important person in my life.

In fact, she's influenced the person I am today, thankfully I didn't go down either of the roads that her followers go down - The braindead road or The just like Tamzin road. Instead I went down the "Traumatised" road. I think that of the three, traumatised holds the most opportunities. You won't get far being braindead and you won't get far thinking that you can get away with acting like Tamzin if you're not Tamzin. Did that make sense?

Oh I don't know why I devote so much of my attention to her, she's just a bully. Surely there are thousands like her in the world? But no, I really don't think there are. There are thousands of bullies in the world, yes, you come across them everywhere. But Tamzins? They're few and far between. You'd have to know her to understand what I mean.

Hang on a second, I know my poetry isn't all that good even now, but I would just like to say, that it used to be a LOT worse. In fact, I don't want to just say that, I want to show you that.

This is a poem that I wrote about Tamzin, or rather what I wanted to do to Tamzin, over a year ago, it was right after she hit me.

The twisting of limbs

Hearing the bones slowly crack

Blood trickling out

Of snapped open veins

And the raspy breathing

That is becoming slower by the second

And the endless coughing

Of blood

And the wailing

Of people having eyeballs

Ripped out of their sockets

Hysterical shrieks

Of children being burned

And the ice burn marks

Imprinted on camels stomachs

And the never fading scars

Being slashed into peoples souls

Muscles, torn out of the bodies

Ligaments twisted hard

Now, you might think that represents a lot of what I feel towards her now, but just think, that in a year, in between that and this, she has been: My closest friend, my most admired role model, my most respected teacher and my most trusted confidant.

Her personality has been through so many superficial phases, she's been nice, she's been cool, she's been in with all kinds of social groups, she's been generous, she's been lonely, she's been "deep" and she's been shallow and proud. And at the core of all of that, there is only one side of her that has been there all the way through, and it doesn't come out all too often, but you're always painfully aware that it's there, and that's her nasty side. That's the manipulative, mallicious, ego-centric, arrogant, narcissistic, sociopathic meglomaniacal side, with her own personal brown nosing sychophants constantly at her side, desperate to please.

Well the sychophants are there whether her nasty side is showing or not, they're impossible to miss. She used to go out to meet people for lunch and everybody would crowd around her, she'd be the centre of attention.

Well I think if you're an actress that good, you deserve to be the star of the show. But God, it must get to your head. Sometimes I wonder what she'd be without her followers. Would she be so arrogant without them? Could she be?

That side of her shows constantly, yes, but is it real? Surely she must have insecurities, nobody can be that self confident. Maybe it is the real her, but only because she's surrounded by all these people who love her, maybe in different circumstances, she'd be somebody else.

Wouldn't we all?>