Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to live in a different world, and to be somebody else. I'd like to live in a fantasy world, where dwarves and magicians are real, there's a clear distinction between good and evil, and chivalry is still in fashion.

Or maybe I could live as a struggling, working class rap artist, desperate to be noticed by the media, 8 mile style. I could exchange my knowledge and appreciation for politics and history for a sharp tounge and wit with words.

I could be a Roman emperor, desperate for world domination. Wearing a toga and having people at my service all the time, even having scribes. My handwriting is so bad that I'd need them.

I could be a lost boy.. well.. a lost girl in never never land. I don't think those boys were literally lost you know, they just didn't know what they wanted to do with their life, so they ended up in never never land, determined to stay a child forever. Part of me never does want to grow up, never does want to be different or more mature. And part of me is bent on self improvement, it strives to be perfect. Not in every way mind. I don't care if I'm good at cooking or not for instance, but I'm determined to improve my vocabulary, and my musical knowledge. Those are just the things that matter to me right now.

There's a book called, "The wind singer" and it's by William Nicholson. I think it's kind of aimed at 13/14 year olds, and the sequal, "Slaves of the mastery" is intended for an audience a little older, maybe 14/15. And there's a third one which I don't think has been published yet.

But anyway, I read these books as a quick and easy read, and parts of them kind of touched me. It was a year ago that I read the first one, and if I remember rightly, I cried at one point. You see the two main characters in the books are a twin brother and sister, and they're closer to eachother than they are to anybody else, for instance, Kestrel, the sister, doesn't ever want to get married, because she doesn't think that she could love anybody more than her brother. It is her brother's existance that keeps her from being alone.

And towards the end of the first book, Bowman, the brother, is posessed by this dark force, and it looks like he's going to kill her, and she won't run away, because she says that if he's dead then she wants to die too, and it has to be him who kills her. And this appealed to me, because I've always wanted a brother who I could be that close to, specifically a twin one.

I mention this for a reason.

I was watching the news today, and it was talking about how a little girl was killed playing on a railway line, with her twin brother and another boy. And I just thought how sad it was for her brother to lose his twin. She's been the one person who's been around all his life, for as long as he has, they've been around for as long as eachother. They've probably always been friends, and suddenly she's dead, and he has to live the rest of his life without her. Before it was already predetermined that they would start school at the same time, collect their GCSE results at the same time, and collect their A level results at the same time. And now they won't, because one of them is dead.

Sorry, I have a problem coming to terms with the idea of death. It's the idea of never seeing a person again. A long time, I can deal with, but never? It's too much. I wouldn't like to never do anything again, or never see anybody again, and I don't like being bound down by promises of things that I will never do. I don't believe in God, or in heaven or hell, so to me a lifetime is eternity, and never really does mean never.

Actually I have something that I need to talk to somebody religious about, not that I'm suddenly about to convert or anything, it's just a matter of curiosity about what they think. Unfortunately I don't really have any religious friends apart from Lizzie and Stephanie, and Stephanie - oh don't make me go there. I seriously doubt that she has any faith in God what so ever. I doubt that she even really believes in his existance, let alone being willing to lay down her life for him. And both Lizzie and Stephanie have the same problem, the "I disagree with some parts of the bible completely" problem.

The only difference is that Lizzie doesn't try to justify that, Stephanie however will say that she disagrees with something in the bible, then will tell you that God wrote the bible, and that God is all knowing. If God is all knowing, how can you possibly disagree with him? I mean when we were arguing this I completely thrashed her, and I actually felt bad, because most Christians aren't as ... unable to defend their beliefs. It felt almost like I was bullying her. If I was, then I'm sorry. It's wrong to pick on people weaker than you, who wins an argument should depend on the strength of the argument, not how good a person is at presenting it.

On a different note entirely, Randy and I were debating the meaning of the song, "Sunny came home" last night.

I have a theory that I really like, even though I don't actually think that it's correct. When I first heard it I thought that it was about religion. When it says that she opened a book and a box of tools, I assumed that the book was the bible, and the tools were to repair it. Perhpas to take out that pesky little "Thou shalt not kill" clause. I also thought the burning imagery might be a book burning thing, disregarding other beliefs. I don't know, but I rather like the idea that the book and the box of tools is about repairing the bible, and saying that she doesn't believe in transcendence is saying that she doesn't think she's going to go to hell when she does what she does. I don't know, it's just a theory.

But the other thing that gets me is that I can't believe it's so widely regarded as a feminist song. Her favourite room is the kitchen! And she's all worried about the kids' clothes when she's burning down the house!

Randy thinks it's more of an angry girl with a vendetta thing, due to the "list of names". Maybe the list of names are all people who fucked with her at school. I have a list of names.

It was the oddest song to be debating though... between us we came up with so many theories.. I mean he was saying that maybe she's not angry, she's just mentally ill, due to the line "I close my eyes and fly out of my mind into the fire" I said that maybe she was just closing her eyes and counting to 10 to calm down, because she was angry. He pointed out that this obviously didn't work too well.

But I think it did, I think maybe she's just killing people in her mind, she's not really doing it, she came home with a list of names, and she's just imagining killing them, because she flies out of her mind "Into the fire"

Okay that turned into a disorganised rant. But I love that song! Lots! It seriously.. I don't know, it brings out rage in me for a second, and then it all goes away. Maybe I should stop getting so angry and upset about things.

But closing your eyes and counting to 10 doesn't really work..>