So, school today. I was 10 minutes late before I even got on the bus, got lost when I arrived at the angel, and finally plucked up the courage to ask for directions when I was about 10 meters away from the place.

They kind of fucked up my timetable. At the moment I'm only doing history and politics, but it should be sorted out by Thursday. It's frustrating though, very.

Anyway, I didn't have enough money to get a bus, so I decided to walk back, especially seeing as I plan to go by foot every day from now on, and need to check that I know the route. It hurt. My foot has a blister. Damn. Well it's good excercise, I shall not yield, I will continue to spend two hours a day walking to and from school.

But in between walking there and back, I made a friend! Well.. kind of. We both had fucked up timetables, so we were comissioned to go and get them sorted out together, and I ended up getting on quite well with her. She's a Muslim, quiet, nice, kind of interesting. Hot. I can see the Muslim part being a problem though. I can barely talk to Christians without starting arguments, and Muslims tend to be more sensitive about their religion. I mean let's face it, half the people who claim to Christians are .. well .. agnostic. It's not the same with Muslims.

Oh, that reminds me, when we were arguing with the ex drug addict Christian guy, he asked my personal beliefs, and I told him that I was agnostic, he acted like he knew exactly what I was talking about and carried on. 10 minutes later he turns to the other guy, "What's agnostic mean again?" for somebody standing on the street yelling about how he "Knows" that God is with him, and that it is the Christian God, he sure is pretty thick.

But religion aside, I want to forget about religion right now, it doesn't really affect me, I need a new template! I want to have one with a bigger text box, and on the template, I want the picture Randy drew of "Anniekins" (Anniekins is a mouse, she has a tail piercing.)

Man my thoughts are disconnected, I'm getting so... bad. My grammer is becoming erratic, I'm finding it impossible to smoothly move from one topic to the next and even my spelling is getting worse. Is this from being out of school so long (5 months) or is it just me?

I stopped at the park on my way back. I just sat down for a bit. I think it would be nice to sit in the park for a bit after school every day, and do my homework / read / listen to a CD. Just so I can sit down and rest for a bit after my blister inducing walk.

Yesterday while we were in the park, Sibz asked me something, she asked what the most stupid thing I've ever done was. I couldn't think of anything. There are a lot of stupidish things, but nothing that leaps out. Eventually the answer I had to give was something that I didn't do. Well, I did..

What I mean is, the answer I gave was that after everything that happened with Tamzin, there was a point that I held a knife to my wrist. This isn't especially something that I want to write about, but I kind of want to get it out.

I don't think there was any point where I actually would have done it, but I was serious enough that I wrote a note, and I didn't tell her that yesterday, and ...

I hope, even now, after everything that's happened, that Tamzin would never have seen the note, or heard about what it said. Because all it said was "I never refuse a dare".

Yeah, I know, it sounds pathetic. But I was younger and stupider, so I thought it sounded kind of "Deep" and .. I think that if I had done it (Which I wouldn't have) one of my reasons would have been to hurt Tamzin, as much as I possibly could. I wanted her to think that it was her fault. Well it would have been her fault. Well no, it would have been my fault, but you know what I mean.

But that is so harsh, and that's why I named it as the stupidest thing. Just the idea of taking my own life to get back at somebody. You can add to the equasion that I had no friends, and I wasn't happy at all, but ... I can't believe that I even thought about doing that to somebody.

I'm a forgiving person. I don't believe in the death sentence, I'm against people having to pay consequences so harsh for their mistakes. Once the price has already been paid, why must it be paid again? An eye for an eye and the whole world will be blind. I was against the war in Iraq, because innocent civilians had already died, and I didn't want more to die.

Oh God, I wish I could just forget about it.

I miss her friendship in some ways. And at the same time, I want to kill her, I want to tear her to pieces, I want to hurt her as much as I possibly can. I want to make her unhappy. But didn't I just say... somebody explain this to me. Give me a solution that's not all or nothing, give me a solution that I can accept. I can't accept my mentality the way it is.

She dared me to kill myself. And I'm still having issues with my little love / hate thing.

I'm pathetic.

I'm weak.>