I couldn't sleep, so I thought I'd come on this website. How sad is that?

Hm.. yes.. I smoked today. Bad Bad Annie. This all stems back a couple of months.. probably May or something.. that sounds about right, when I smoked a couple of times, and yes, then i craved more, and indeed more. No I didn't start smoking, it was just enough for Randy, as usual, to tell me not to make it a habit (If he tells me not to make anything else a habit I'm going to break something) and yeah.. more or less that. I had ONE cigarette today, Sibz decided to have a go at me, tried to get Sam to have a go at me, when that failed she got Tristan to do it, and then lizzie got added. For that purpose or not, I do not know. It's amazing, she doesn't seem to mind the prospect of me taking acid, but one cigarette and she freaks.

Tristan said he'd give me a gold star if I promised never to do acid, I'm collecting gold stars with him, if I get 100 i get a smiley sticker :-D I have 4 so far. Oh yeah, and with Randy too, but the ones with Tristan are an ongoing joke and we're actually counting. I got 1 for admitting I was a bitch like everyone else, 1 for admitting gay men are better looking that straight ones (I can prove this theory) err.. 1 for using the phrase "divine hypocracy" and I can't remember what the other one was for. I refused the not doing acid offer by the way. I half considered bargaining, but I figured that even if I got a billion stars out of it, it'd still be a bit worthless. Plus I don't like the word "never"

Always remember never to use the words never and always.

Hm.. things that are currently bothering me.. um.. err.. oh Sibz's diary (ghoul-queen) seems like a diary of her self harming habits, which I mean.. yeah i'd like to be in the know.. but ignorance really is bliss. But yeah, like I said, I'd rather know than not. The other thing that's bugging me about that is that she's getting awfully fixated with it, like the way I was when I was literally freaking out that I was doing worse and worse in school and it was gonna get worse and worse and I was never going to be able to stop. But frankly I was obsessing over some hormonal changes. Now obviously I'm not suggesting that it's just hormonal changes, just that she's getting quite wrapped up in it, which really can't be a key to stopping it.

Randy said that if I was self harming, he'd beg me to stop. Why isn't he begging her? I can't do it, I don't know how to. I don't even know what I'm supposed to be saying. I'm torn between hugging her and telling her it's alright and hugging her and telling her it's really not alright. The thing is that I don't understand at all. If it was drugs I'd have some idea of what to say, even though I haven't been there myself, because I actually have a clue about drugs. Self harm is almost impossible for me to comprehend. I've hurt myself before, I've gotten kicks out of hurting myself before, but I can't really comprehend doing it regularly and certainly not finding it addictive. And I feel kinda stupid writing this, knowing that both Randy and Sibz will probably read it at some point. Hi Randy! Hi Sibz! Oh and the other person with the address is Steph. So just in case she reads this as well, Hi Steph!

The online diary idea is stupid in general as well I think. If you're writing your private thoughts in a very public place, someone is bound to get hurt at some point.

I've made so many threats to Randy's life today.. he must be feeling quite nervous.. well, that's all for today.>