I miss school.

This is bizarre.

I'm not meant to miss school.

I hated school so much I thought about just dropping out.

How the hell can I miss it?

Is it even possible to be that bored?

Perhaps I miss the comfort in being sad.

On another note, I'm trying to figure out how to tell my parents that I'm bi. I know that they won't care and they'll be absolutely fine with it. It's just an awkward topic of conversation.

"Hey. How's it going? What's happening on the news? Oh? The war in Iraq is finished you say? I'm bisexual by the way. So whatcha reading at the moment?"

I mean I don't talk to my parents about sex stuff. Straight or otherwise. I don't even let them know that I fancy anyone at all. Telling them I'm bi would be admitting to having sexual attractions, which okay they'd be pretty stupid if they thought I was nearly 16 and I didn't have any (Well maybe not too stupid because I don't have many) but I'm really not quite sure how to tell them.

Or who to tell. My dad? My mum? My step dad? I think it would be easiest to tell my step dad and he wouldn't want to "talk" about it (ie reassure me for 3 hours straight that it's okay) but my mum would be hurt if i didn't tell her first. And I wouldn't want my step dad to be the one to tell my mum anyway, wheras I wouldn't mind my mum being the one to tell my step dad. I'll have to tell my dad on my own I guess.. he's the one I'm most worried about though. I mean not because he's homophobic or anything, just because I think he might think it's just an excess in hormones. Which it really isn't. If anything it's like a complete malfunction in which I don't produce any hormones which tell me I'm attracted to people, making it hard to work out just what my sexuality is.. but nah, lol, I'm pretty sure I've been attracted to people..*giggles*

I guess I'll do it this weekend. Sunday probably. Every time they're teasing me with this "who do you fancy?" garb, i feel guilty for not telling them I'm bi. Even though I have said nothing to imply that I'm completely straight either. In fact to be frank I think my mum already suspects that I'm a lesbian. Oh well, she'll know soon enough.

On another side note, I discovered the chemical formula for heroin. I was reading the dictionary last night.

heroin n. a white odourless bitter-tasting crystalline powder derived from morphine: a highly addictive narcotic. Formula: C17H17NO(C2H3O2)2. Also called: dialectylmorphine.

It's funny that... only made up of Carbon, Hydrogen, Nitrogen and Oxygen..I guess a very few number of elements really do make up everything in the universe.

Plus this also proves heroin's actual colour! WOOHOO! I was right! Ben and Kal were wrong! It IS white! Well one of them was wrong anyway.. I think one of them might have been agreeing with me. It was over a year ago:-S

I looked up dialectylmorphine in the dictionary too. But it wasn't there. Nevermind. Tristan found a site with lots of drugs information this morning... I didn't like it. It was biased :-S I mean it was saying how all drugs were bad etc.. and it had the effects of some of them and I didn't like it :-( but then again, I guess if you're going to fuck with stuff you ought to know the dangers. And I do. I did before, it just kinda phrased it in a ... one sided... way.

I get annoyed with myself. If anybody else wants to do drugs I get extremely upset and annoyed. I'm such a hypocrite. Or maybe just a good friend? A hypocritical good friend most likely. I just pray to whatever deity is most likely to exist that I never have children. I couldn't cope. One side of me would want to treat them like an adult and say "Yeah i did acid, it was fucking amazing" and the other part of me would be shit scared that they'd want to do the things that I want to do. I know that I can take care of myself, I know my limits and I know what I can get away with doing. But that's because I am me. When it comes to other people I can't know what they're thinking or feeling I just know what they're doing which worries me.

Maybe Joe has full control over the situation.

Is control a physical or a mental concept though? Do I actually have to start a physical revolution to become dictator of the world or can I rule the world in my mind? Do I rule the world?

I may not be able to lay down physical laws for other people to obey. But I can lay down mental laws for myself and I can change people's attitudes.

Well while I may lay down mental laws for myself, do I obey them?

No.

I've disobeyed nearly every limit I've set down so far.

I'll never miss a homework. (Back in year 7) pah..

I'll never skip a lesson. Ha!

I'll never get below a B in anything. Mmmmm.

I'll never try alcohol. It's disgusting. Hehe.

I'll never smoke or try smoking. Err..

I'll never do any sort of illegal drug what so ever. *raises eyebrow*

I'll never do anything more than Cannabis.. on the verge of breaking that one already.

So what's the next one to break? "I'll never do heroin"? Ah! But that isn't just a mental barrier anymore is it? I made it physical by actually making the promise to somebody. Does this change the fact that I inevitably break all the promises that I have made to myself? Yes I think it does. I don't break promises that I make to others. Certainly not serious promises. And last time I did I felt like killing myself.

But the fact is - I did. Do my promises mean as much as I think they mean? Well right now I feel like they do. But right now I'm in a position where I've made one.

The point I'm making is that I shouldn't trust myself. How the hell do I deserve to trust myself? I haven't even earned my own trust and yet I have it handed to me on a platter. I don't have any self control at all, while it feels to me that my self control is marvellous.

Well okay. So I trust myself less (hypothetically) How does this help me?

I ask the opinions of other people before I go off doing stupid things?

Yeah but the thing is I don't like doing as other people tell me. I lack self control, that doesn't make me stupid. I know when I'm doing a stupid thing I just can't stop myself from doing it. The only thing that would really help with my self control problems is being literally punished like a child every time I fucked up. And it's a little late for that because I'm not a child..

Okay that was a bit of rambling and a half. Should make an interesting read. I'm gonna go shower.>