Helloooo diary of mine. I got up today, at 9am! I took my sisters out too.. my dysfunctional sleeping pattern is cured!!

Err I'm going camping with my dearest darling daddy though, and shan't have access to a computer until wednesday. Sorry!

Okay I'm feeling a little over excitable for somebody who is actually deeply depressed at the moment. Oh well.. I guess.. ergh, I dont know. I haven't really talked about this.

I'm prone to getting depressed over something now and again, but usually it only lasts a couple of days and this is dragging on and on. I'm seriously depressed every single day, I guess it's hard to tell because I put "lol" in all my conversation windows on msn still, but that's because I habitually say the word. I'm really really sad. And there's no explanation for it. Maybe it's karma. Maybe I'm a bad bad person and I did something bad or something. Except I haven't done anything bad. Why do I deserve this?

I kinda tell people that I enjoy being sad, and it's really weird because soemtimes I do, but I'm not sad... I'm just really really worthless and depressed and miserable.. but in a different way. More like an aching pain that won't go away. And I don't get it, I don't. My life's better that it has been for a long time. It's stupid.

So if I come across as miserable, it's because I am.

The other thing is Tamzin, the hate isn't burning away and turning to contempt. It's growing and growing and growing and it's like gasoline is in my stomach, and it's been set alight. I'm burning up with hatred. Maybe I shouldn't nurse animosity, but I HATE her. I want to spit at her. I have a fantasy that we're doing the whole confrontation all over again, and she's making all her pathetic small talk, and she comes to my (ex) affections for her, and says something like "Come on. Don't say you wouldn't like to kiss me" and then I come closer and it's like we're going to kiss but then I step back and spit in her face.

She makes me sick. My mind is shrivelling with hatred just writing this, it can't be healthy for me to feel this strongly, because I think I'm in general a good forgiving person, and I feel like I'm losing that. All due to that rabid whore. I want to hurt her. With the aid of thumb screws. I'd like to display pictures of her dad lying dead with only white eyes and leave her in a room, forced to look at them non stop. It probably wouldn't even affect her. She's emotionally retarded. She makes me sick. So sick.

I want to pull the hair out of her head. I'm still remembering all the bad things she's ever done to me, or people I care about, it's like a film running in my head, of flashbacks. Even the clips where she's nice to me only serve to make me remember the bad things, and it makes me hate her even more. I know that when she's being nice she's just manipulating me so she can use me. I've always known that really, even when we were friends. She disgusts me, I despise her.

I was going to say I'd forgive her the day that (insert unlikely event of your choice) but then it occured to me that (unlikely event) could actually happen.

I'm going to stop now, but that doesn't change the fact that I can't stand her. Maybe that's why I'm so sad. But no,the depression started before any of this.

Sorry to anyone who was hoping for a nice happy entry. Maybe I'll write one tomorrow morning.>