Okay my little MPD episode is all over. Chastity's gone back to Russia. Now it's time for a little schizophrenic episode.

I'm scared of Lilly. Lilly is my ghost. I know she's not real (well kind of) but I'm always so scared that one day I'll roll over in bed and she'll be next to me under the covers. I don't think she'd be a bad ghost, but it'd scare the fuck out of me. And I wouldn't trust her. Because.. well.. the idea of dead people being around me is creepy. I can't help that. Basically I have an overactive imagination. I even have an image in my head of what she would look like (A blonde pale sick looking girl of about 13) Hell, I've given her a name. I must be going insane.

What if one day my overactive imagination causes me to see her. That would scare me so much. I would just be completely paralysed with fear. God, I don't even really want to talk about this anymore. Well I don't really mind, but I have to keep looking over my shoulder.

School starts soon. I can't wait to be honest, begining of a new year in a new school *dances happily* I have to decide what to wear! We don't have uniform! I think on my first day, I will wear my dungaree (overall) shorts and my purple and black stripey tights, and I'll wear one of my longsleeved tight black tops and maybe my orange shirt over the top.. okay, no, my colour coordination is really bad. I'm not much of a fasion girl. I want to be wanted but having to do anything to make me wanted makes me miserable. Especially excercise. I'm too lazy to EVER excercise.

Actually considering how much I eat, and how little excercise I do, I'm actually in pretty good shape. But only when you consider such factors.

I'm not sure if I'm going to go for my.. unique.. hairstyle. (I'm considering basically cutting all my hair off and dying what's left black with a red streak down the middle) I'd have to wear makeup if I did that so I didn't look male though. Sam's convinced me that if it weren't for my hair and occasional tight top, I would look male. And it's not just Sam, once when I was out with Sam and Sibz, I was wearing a somewhat baggy top and some boy (Okay, he was probably saying it to hurt me seeing as he goes to my old school and nearly everybody there wants to hurt me) yelled "Look! There's a boy with long hair!"

Oh God, I think I'm going to go off and contemplate suicide now. No, don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm vain. It's just that I want to be loved. That's all I want. And in a romantic way, and fuck you can say it isn't true all you like, but it's harder to fall in love with an ugly person. Love comes from spending a lot of time with a person and you aren't likely to date a person in the first place if they're ugly. Oh.. who cares? I hate myself for being so shallow and vain. I am everything that I hate.

I admire my childhood self as much as I despise and regret my 13/14 year old self. As a child I was free. I could climb trees and run around and play football or other games even if I was sure to lose. I didn't care what people thought of me at all. I was happy when I was with people and I was happy when I was alone. Nothing embarrassed me. I still had stupid little obsessions but my whole world didn't revolve around them. I was still interesting. I was intelligent and I didn't care if people thought otherwise and yet I didn't care if people thought me arrogant or a geek. I didn't care about what I looked like. I mean I got my hair cut into a boys haircut basically because as a kid I wanted to be a boy. Because I thought they had a better easier and more free life and I guess that they do.

Then I had to get fucking self concious and stupid. I had to get arrogant and I had to start caring what anybody thought about me. I had to worry that I wasn't interesting enough. And I had to start to want to be girly.

I FUCKING WANT TO BE GIRLY. I want to have sleepovers and giggle about boys and be able to apply makeup. FUCK that's if makeup even suited me. I want to be tall and slim and coy. Yet sexy. I want to be able to dance and to have a pretty (and in tune) singing voice. I want to look like the princess in a disney film. I want to BE like the princess in a disney film. Personality or no personality. I wish I didn't have a personality sometimes.

I think what I'm trying to say here is that I just want to be normal. I want to be normal and accepted. And yet I can't be without oppressing a huge part of myself. Practically the whole of myself.

To be accepted I'd have to start listening to rap and RnB and I'd have to spend 3 hours making my hair look nice. I'd have to rip everything I know about politics out of my head and to stop caring about it, I'd have to rip pretty much everything I know about everything out of my head. Or at least not talk about it. I'd have to adopt townie slang (Which would make me sound nothing but stupid) I'd have to wear tight tops and ridiculously tight jeans. I'd have to go properly anorexic. Well either that or actually do some hardcore dieting. No.. I'd probably have to go anorexic until I was completely average and THEN do the hardcore dieting. What else? Oh I'd have to smirk at all the teachers if they asked me a question and refuse to answer.

Why the hell are people so stupid here? Fuck I know that my parents believe in all this shit about sending your kid to their local school, but remind me NEVER to send my kids to an inner city school, NEVER, I wouldn't do that to them. I wouldn't do that to anybody who had a shard of uniqueness to them. I mean in my old school somebody who actually knew the name of say.. The deputy prime minister would be like the holy grail in uniqueness. Or somebody who had a genuine interest in anything except for football, wrestling, the opposite sex, movies, playstation or drugs. They would be uniuqe. VERY unique. Probably completely outcasted if they spoke about their interest.

I mean look what my parents did to me. Look how fucked up I am. Insecure, eccentric, desperate for attention, drugs obsessed, outcasted, miserable freak who's intent on developing an eating disorder. Either that or maybe a self harming habit, or possibly a drugs problem. Haven't quite decided yet. I mean I'm a fucked up freak who now has problems trusting people because the one person I looked up to (one of the only unique people) screwed me over so many times. I wish I'd gone to a nice, normal school, with a variety of different types of people. I hate my life. I hate it.

Would somebody kindly explain why I had to grow up in London which I despise when so many other people grew up here and love it? Why does everybody else fit in and not me? Why can't I just be normal and accepted?

I'm crying now you know. Uncontrollably. I'm not kidding when I say this stuff. All I want is to be normal. Why can't I be normal?>