Reflecting on past actions can both make you feel wonderful and make you feel awful as I discovered last night. Thankfully I already knew that they could make you feel awful, it was actually that they can make you feel good that I discovered.

I don't wish to sound proud, or vain, or arrogant, or pathetic or anything, but, I feel so good that I managed to get a C in Latin but only a D in French. I didn't really expect to get more than an E and I actually managed to get a C. I'm not sure exactly what reminded me of this. But it might have been to do with the fact that I'm currently reading a book that's kind of about Latin.

(I got through Jane Eyre and started The Lake of Dead Languages. I've read it before but I wanted to read it again - It's about suicidal, self harming gothic girls who are preoccupied and unnaturally fascinated with death kind of.)

I've also decided that I actually like Latin. I like the words, and I .. yeah, I'm not sure exactly what it is about it that I like, but I do. And I always have, no matter how lazy I've been in it.

But it's not actually so much that I managed to get a C in it (Which I feel again the need to remind our American audience that a C is worth more here than it is there) It's the fact that I first started Latin (Don't laugh) to get out of a detention. And now somehow I have a GCSE in it.

But other actions and choices only serve to make me sad. Why did I ever go to fight Tamzin? Why? What made me reduce myself to that? I didn't even fight her - not that it would have been any better if I had. When I had to hit her was when she hit Sibz. It was a fight or flight moment, and it continues to haunt me that I chose flight, and then tried to back away from my own stupid choice afterwards. Tried to make up for something that just cannot be made up for. And it can't be. I can hit her in the right time and place again and it will mean nothing, because there will still be one missed opportunity. Two. Let's not forget when she hit me in Wales.

And what about the time that ... well what about the whole Aidan thing? I never talk about that, and the reason is that I regret it. So now you know. Ha. The one person who I've had a romantic "thing" with, I completely and totally regret.

And the times I've made myself the victim, I've closed myself into a corner - I do that when I fight too. Physically. When Ben was teaching me to fight I always used to let him get me into a corner because I felt safer there. Maybe it's that if I fell back it would only be on the wall.. but it's odd that I would limit my movement merely for a safety net.

But all that aside.

I tried briefly to read outloud and discovered that I can no longer do it. At all. I get words in the wrong order and miss out letters and it's terrible! Maybe I'm dyslexic.

My handwriting's awful, I can't read... I smell extra time on exams coming my way!

I also discovered with the aid of Tristan, that I have also lost my ability to do anything related to chemical formulas.. I used to be able to, I swear. I used to enjoy balancing them. But now I can't. Christ I couldn't even do: 2Na+H2O ---> ? + H2

And that is pathetic. I am a pathetic person. Am I a pathetic person? *sniffs* He had to find an easier one for me. I hate getting things wrong. It's embarrassing. I don't like to be wrong.

Being wrong makes me feel like a less valid person. Less deserving of respect or understanding. Maybe it's respect that I want more than acceptance? I'm not sure. But I'd settle for just being treated in a civilised way. >