I walked out of a lesson today. I wonder if I'll be in trouble for it. Less, I imagine, than if I'd thrown a table at that stupid bitch like I intended to.

Everybody in the class was against me. It's like they all hated me, they hated what I am. Or at least a part of what I am.

Nathan found me outside at breaktime, crying. He's so addictive. If I have 5 minutes before my next lesson, I'll go find him, even if I only get to talk to him for 2 minutes.

But it's dangerous. He's popular. With everybody. Today I found him laughing with a couple of townies, when he saw me he came over saying, "Weird people" I wonder if he says that about me. When I ask him about one of his aquantainces, generally he doesn't say something positive, and surely I'm just another of his aquaintances.

And he said it himself too, "I don't have any friends here, I have aquaintances, all my friends are at La Swop" La Swop..............

That's where Tamzin goes.

I bet all of his friends are her friends now. She's going to win them over and take them away from me. Take him away from me. I don't know what I'm more scared of, I don't know if I'm more frightened that he's going to use me like Tamzin did (I'll get on to that in a minute) or whether she's going to use me like she always has. I mean what if.. there are too many what ifs. I know that out of a whole school, it's probably unlikely that they would become friends.. but.. I mean it's Tamzin. She can be friends with whoever she wants, and these are alternative people, who if they're anything like Nathan, are very cool.

She'd like him. I don't think he'd like her that much. I think he'd like her, he just wouldn't think she was anybody special. Like me.

They were playing with his hair (The townie girls he was sitting with) seriously, they were all touching it, like they might find it was actually made out of rubber or something.

Okay, I'm sorry, I'm not very organised. I haven't even told you why I was crying yet. I guess I'll save that until the end.

Anyway, one of the reasons I think Nathan might turn out to be just like Tamzin, is that he told me that "Orange haired guy" who's name is Ryan (Boy, that's gonna get confusing) likes me. He also said that "He thinks you're well attractive!" But that's so ridiculous, and blatantly a lie. He must have been saying that to cheer me up or to use me or something, because it's a lie. No guy that good looking could like me. It's completely ridiculous.

Don't tell me I have low self esteem, I know that, but I know my place in the attractive stakes, and I'm just getting used to the idea that anybody could like me at all, let alone somebody as attractive as this orange haired guy. It's ridiculous, and it's just the kind of thing that Tamzin would do. Lie to me, get my hopes up and knock them down.

And even if it was true, I think I'd be even more miserable. Why now? It's the most inconvenient time ever. Usually a guy that good looking, alternative, he likes me, I wouldn't even think twice about giving it a go. Why now?

At my old school, nobody liked me. And even if they did, nobody would admit to it. And suddenly people supposedly (bear in mind I seriously think Nathan is lying, and I think (S)Am and Sibz are mistaken about Ryan. But maybe they're just making me believe this stuff out of pity. And Marcell. I mean what the hell? 3 boys supposedly like me. This is too much. And why now! I know what I want, and that's the thing I'm least likely to have a chance at. It's so fucking ironic.

Everybody, come on, laugh at me. Annie had no friends for years because nobody would be seen talking to her and now.. she doesn't know what the hell is going on. What the hell is going on? I'm torn between crying with happiness and crying with despair.

Earlier I was crying with despair. Have I mentioned how I've never really come across proper homphobia before?

Everybody in my politics class.

Including the guy with the Korn hoodie.

I couldn't take it. I don't think I've ever been that hurt. Well okay, I have. But God.... I wanted to throw that table at them. All of them. And they were using their fucking religion to cover up for their fucking prejudices. So I made a small comment about my own prejudices against Christianity and I walked out. I don't think I want to go back again.>