There is something deeply wrong with this. I miss school. I can't wait until monday, I think they should abolish weekends. Why am I so happy? Is it because for the first time in my life, I really fit in somewhere? I can have little breakdowns about this and that, but at the heart of it all, I can't stay sad.

I can honestly say that I don't think I have ever been this happy. Not just happy, content. I mean, I was crying the other day, and yet today I'm happier than ever. Maybe it'll wear off, but I don't think I'll be sad the way I was before for a long time. And Santa forbid that I'm ever as miserable as I was at the begining of year 11.

You know, the second my promise to Randy was up, I did "that thing" again. But I'm not going to anymore. Ever. I swear. If I do then you can all torment me. Make me miserable. Please. Because I don't want to do that again. There are better ways.

And I'm going back to being straight edge, I don't care. I don't think a single person really supports me in it, but I don't care. I'm never going to smoke, drink or take any sort of drug again. Well okay, maybe I will, but for now, I don't want to. And I won't.

On another note, I'm going to start reading again. I have problems keeping something up, if I decide to start reading, I tend to forget about it when I decide to start getting involved in political groups or whatever. Although actually I'm going to do the latter as well. My step dad brought me this leaflet back for a youth political group type thing that I'm really interested in joining.

I love my step dad. I look up to him so much in some respects. I mean when he was my age his school completely fucked him around because he was dyslexic, and he was in a religious school, and he basically got completely fucked around. But he stood up to them. He showed them that he wasn't stupid, or apathetic and that he wasn't going to stand down when they told him to. He wasn't going to conform and accept that everything they said was right. And I'm so proud of him for that, and I want to be like him in that way. I don't think he knows that because I'm always arguing with him, and even when he's talking to me about politics or something, I pretend not to be interested. But it's a lie. I am interested, and I love talking to him about that stuff.

Once he was telling me about a walk out of school against this .. thing. I've completely forogtten what it was. But basically it was the government making students who weren't planning on going onto full time education do this compulsary work scheme thing, and they paid fuck all, and basically it was very cheap labour and they got no skills from it, which was supposedly the whole idea. So Andrew organised a walk out at his school, and he got about 15 people out (Which apparantly was a lot for a church school) and then afterwards the headteacher in assembally asked everybody who went on the protest to stay behind, and he told me that his faith in humanity was restored when more people stayed behind than were actually on the protest.

It didn't matter though. He was the only one who got in trouble for trying to "indoctrinate" the other students (Which I think for the headteacher of a church school to say, is hillarious)

Anyway, it's stuff like that, and it makes me admire him.

I had an argument with Sibz last night. And one with Stephanie, but obviously I don't really care about the one with Stephanie.

The one with Steph was about how my mum let me stay out late going ice skating (because hey, she can't really stop me, I'm 16, I could leave if I want) and she was saying that was really irresponsible. 1. I don't think it's irresponsible because I think I'm a trustworthy, sensible, strong and intelligent person, and 2. Even if she does think that, I think that is a really rude thing to say. I wouldn't dream of calling her mum irresponsible, or ignorant, or anything negative, that's below the belt. I mean hell, look what her mother lets her wear. If I went out of the house in a Nike top, my mum would probably have a fit. But that is really none of my business.

The argument with Sibz was about Harriet. It was me trying to explain to her, that 1. I didn't even know Harriet was going to be there, 2. I went out to go iceskating, not to swear allegiances to certain groups of friends, and 3. I can hang out / be friends with whoever the hell I want to be friends with.

It is NOT the same as her going out and deciding to be friends with Tamzin. Tamzin is a mallicious bitch, Harriet makes mistakes like everybody else. But even if you do put it on the same scale, a) I wouldn't get too upset about Sibz being friends with Tamzin, even if I did think it was a very bad idea, and b) She already went out with Tamzin as a one time thing, and unlike me, she WAS aware that Tamzin was going to be there.

I don't know what the hell she expects of me. I think Harriet's alright, why should I be expected to suddenly hate her because her curiosity got the better of her?

And I don't appreciate the, "Fine, why don't you and Sam go off and be friends with Harriet then" Is she afraid that we'll start liking Harriet and not her? Because that will never ever ever happen. I love Sibz more than... anybody in the world who is not in my immediate family. I would die for her, I'd live for her, and I'd probably kill for her.

I don't think it's right that on top of that she should ask for my complete loyalty to whatever she thinks is right, because while you're completely loyal to somebody else, you can't be true to yourself and your personal beliefs.

Another reason for patriotism being stupid.>