What to say? I talked to Nathan in the morning, he was saying that Ryan talks about me a lot (Orange haired Ryan) and basically wanted to know if I was interested. And I told him the truth in saying that I am. But I did also tell him the small complication, which I wish I hadn't, because I know what I want now. I'm going for orange Ryan. He's so nice, and funny and yet strangely sensible, and he's clever and a good conversationalist.

I feel like I'm betraying the other Ryan in a way. But this is what I want. I know that orange Ryan likes me, and ... well I don't know about the other Ryan. Maybe I'm justifying. But... I'm sorry. I feel so disloyal. But this is what I want. Isn't what I want what matters? Am I doing the wrong thing? I wish I could know for sure.

I'm scared. I don't trust my hormones and I don't trust my judgement. And I find it frightening that after not seeing regular Ryan for just a couple of weeks both of them have spun around and are pointing straight at orange Ryan. They were swinging that way before, I just wasn't admitting it, like I said, out of loyalty to regular Ryan. But shit, my hormones are all over the place.

I feel shallow. Is it that knowing I have a shot with a person makes me like them more? If I make a bad choice, I haven't just fucked it up with one, I've fucked it up with both of them. Because there is no way in hell that I'd go out with someone who was only my second choice, that just would not be fair on them.

Or maybe I would. My morals are begining to dampen. Heh. I dunno what I want, but I know how to get it.

I had lunch at his house today. Orange haired Ryan that is. Him and Nathan. Nathan was.. coming down. All day. And I didn't realise quite how badly until we got to Ryan's house where he just sank to the floor clutching his head and vowing never to go out on a school night again.

Ryan told him that he was right, going out on a school night was a bad idea, and that he should also stop taking pills full stop. I'm not quite sure what kind of pills were being referred to, and I didn't ask. But Ryan has a strict "Never take anything harder than Marajuana, ever" policy. And the most amusing thing is that he actually says "Marajuana". No slang words. At all. He refers to it as "Marajuana". It impresses me.

Nathan was in serious pain though. Eventually he decided to not even talk to us, he just lay on the floor next to the CD player listening to Nirvana and clutching his head, but kind of head banging at the same time. Nathan is very very odd.

Ryan and I sat on the sofa discussing our hair.

Then we had to go back to school. I did suggest that Nathan didn't go to his next lesson, partly because I was afraid of him just collapsing or something. The only thing he was worried about was not being able to concentrate. Needless to say, he went. I'm impressed. I don't think I would have gone. Hell, I was tempted not to go to my lesson and I wasn't in pain.

I think Nathan's probably very clever, but I can't exactly tell from just talking to him. He talks quite slowly, but he does not make a single error. He doesn't say "ummm" or "like.." when he's thinking, he just silently thinks before he comes out with the next word. Which is something that I admire. He has a large vocabulary as well, but that doesn't say a huge amount. I'm not sure. I think I'll work it out in time. Orange Ryan did honestly seem pissed at him for "pilling" though.

Especially as apparantly only a few days earlier Ryan offered him some Weed and he told him that he hadn't had any for a while and he was going to stop completely. Nathan is very weird. I'm not sure that I'm getting this across well enough. But I do like him.

As for other stuff, I've been talking to a couple of other girls over the last couple of days. One of them knows Tamzin and Ben and Kalim and THOSE people, and one of them is her friend. Her friend's nice. (Well she's okay herself too). But her friend says hi to me whenever she sees me around. And she is really nice.

Well that's all for today folks. I have to do some homework so that no teachers kill me.>