I know I'm writing a lot. Too much. But there's a lot that I want to say right now. A lot is happening. There may even be an entry later tonight.

Nathan self harms and I hate him for it. Well, I'm pretty sure he does anyway, with the being miserable and then telling me that his half term involved him cutting up his arm. Am I contagious? Am I carrying some kind of "fucked up" gene that hasn't quite affected me, but affects everyone I go near? Everyone I talk to. I hate him for it. I feel responsible in a weird kind of way. Mostly because everyone else is relatively independant. Nathan needs to be looked after. Like I do. Except I want it. He actually needs it. Is it my fault he isn't happy? I mean it's hardly like I encourage him to be. We were sitting there at breaktime talking about Ryan and his girlfriend who broke up with him last week (It wasn't that big a deal for him though) and we were talking about our half terms. And alcohol. We were talking about vodka. And then he said "Look at us, two depressed teenagers daydreaming about vodka." And then he walked into his lesson.

He's strange but fuck do I love him. Heh.

I hate him.

I love him.

You'd think that I'd be able to find a subtle difference somewhere in there. But I don't. Love and hate are basically just the same thing. But I don't actually love him.

And no that doesn't mean he's my next target for a relationship. That's like the idea of dating ... I don't know, Sibz. I don't have that relationship with him and I don't want to have that relationship with him (Although obviously the relationship that we do have is nothing like that between Sibz and I). I want him to be my friend. I want him to be a shoulder to cry on when everything goes wrong.

And yes, I did get a hug out of him. >