Hey. I bunked politics and I don't feel like doing homework (Do I ever?), so I thought I'd write in here.

I shouldn't have bunked but an afternoon in which the only person I could even faintly call a "friend" in college was Ryan seemed very tedious. He's avoiding me. Well he says he's not, but he so blatantly is, it's depressing.

Yesterday he didn't say hi to me even in passing, and I noticed him walk down the corridor and go down the other set of stairs when he saw me, and today when I went into his politics class to talk to him, Nathan and Ezra, he just put his headphones in. At lunch time he wandered off with Nathan back to his house, Ezra had tutorial and I was left all alone. When I went up to him and asked why he was avoiding me, he said "I'm not" and I said "Yes you are" and he said "No I'm not" and I said "Yes! You are!" and he said "Okay, I am" and then I said "Why must you argue with me?" and he said "You're the one arguing with me." and then I said "Fine" and he asked if I was okay.

No I wasn't fucking okay. He fucking avoided me at lunch time leaving me sitting on the steps READING. And not even reading anything good, fucking play for English. And I'm sorry, I don't mean to swear so much, I'm just pissed off. He is so childish. Like Ezra told me yesterday, Ezra told me a lot of rather interesting things to do with Ryan... not that they make me like him any less mind, but they certainly make me regret the fact that we broke up less.

But what the hell? Anyway, then I decided I was going to bunk politics so I walked to the bus stop with Nathan again. He was skipping his last lesson (Again) because he had a doctors appointment. I told him that I hate doctors. He told me that he's been seeing them for years now. I said "Why does that not suprise me?" we moped together, I'm not sure what he was moping about. Something about how there's nothing good in life and it's not really worth living? Spare me. I've heard that so many motherfucking times that its getting old (Even if I do know that he probably means it)

He doesn't come out and say these things you realise. I ask. Kind of. Well I mean today he said that life was a drag and nobody should have to go through it, so I said that I think the best things about life are the good things and the worst things about life are the bad things (I didn't know what else to say) so he said that there were no good things.

You know, I find that almost hurtful. Does it not mean anything that I care about him? Doesn't he enjoy doing some things? Or are those things simply less painful than others? Fuck, you know I think that if he went off and killed himself I'd be happy for him. I'd be very sad on a personal level, but if he hates life so much, what's he doing living it? Why should he have to? I can't IMAGINE not wanting to live. Not really. I mean sometimes I've been dpressed and THOUGHT about suicide, but how could anything possibly ever get that bad? How could you give up your life if you knew that good things are still left in the world? If .. I don't know. If everything in my life was bad, apart from chocolate, I'd stay alive for the chocolate alone. Just for the temporary comfort.

It must take a brave person to end their life. People say it takes a coward but I don't believe that. I don't believe it's ever the right thing to do, but it sure as hell must take some courage. I couldn't ever do it, well... not without a good good good cause. How could anyone ever be that unhappy? People can describe it to me and describe it to me and try to explain, but I don't think I'll ever understand. Maybe because I don't have depression or bipolar or anything. There is more or less nothing wrong with me and what there is wrong with me is all physical.

Should this make me happy? It does on some level, I'm GLAD that I'm relatively healthy both mentally and physically, but at the same time it doesn't quite satisfy my need to understand. I feel so alone sometimes, when I'm miserable everybody seems to be cheerful, but now I'm HAPPY. I'm not bouncing arond, and I am upset about my friends and social life at the moment, and I'm upset that Ryan's avoiding me, but, I'm in general, very happy. Happier than I've ever been. Or more content. And nobody else is.

Ryan told me that Nathan used to be less depressed before he started taking drugs (Ecstacy I assume he means, seeing as I'm pretty sure Nathan's always taken weed.) Fuck drugs and fuck everything they do to you. I'm going back to being straightedge.

I'm going to go do my homework. I only have one lesson tomorrow, so if I do that homework and I do at least one piece of Fridays, then I'm getting ahead, and tomorrow I can do the second piece of homework due in on Friday, and then over the weekend I can try to get this weeks homework done. I'm going to try to keep up. In fact, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to make a whole new diary, devoted to learning and spurting out knowlege on occasion. Just so that I can spurt out the things I've learned that day and not bore everybody.>