Oh I don't think that I can any longer ask for any respect when I feed my, "I'm going back to being straightedge" line.

I was upset at lunchtime (Various reasons, don't want to go into them right now, I might tomorrow) and I was crying in the garden area. Some girls came up to me, I'd seen them around taking to Nathan before. They asked if I was okay, I said yes (Which may have sounded slightly stupid as I was still crying when I said it) and ah... girl A (Her name is Ruby) offered me her spliff.

20 minutes before a politics lesson. I have to say, that was a GREAT politics lesson. The lights were twinkling, the teacher sounded further away... it was great. I felt so good. Don't know if maybe I took a liiiittle bit too much,or maybe it was just more pure than I was used to (ie I don't think there was any tobacco in it at all.. well.. maybe a little, but less than I've had in the past.)

Anyhow, yeah, Ruby, who 10 minutes after meeting me was trying to get me to look down her top at her bra (I declined without explaining that I was bisexual and that she might not really want me looking at her tits) and the other girl, and a few other people who I can't remember their names now, but... well... drugs and melodrama. I think that must be the way to make new friends. Ruby is brilliant. She has such cool boots. And she's nice too. And she gave me a hug, several in fact. In fact, she hugged me as she asked if I was okay. So I guess you could say that she hugged me before she even spoke to me. Very odd. She's in the second year. Doing A2 levels. I feel so young.

Anyhow, then later in the day, right at the end of the day in fact, I got to speak to Nathan. I think I piss him off, maybe. Anyhow, we were talking about stuff, today his whimsical comment before hopping onto the bus was "Yeah, those kind of go with depression" (Dodgy eating habits) and I suppose he is right... I mean I know you read it in information things about depression, but it never actually sruck me that it is true. Damn my idiocy.

Drugs are nice. But bad. Very bad. Nathan's started smoking again. Smoking is stupid. I just don't really have any respect for it anymore. All you're doing is paying tobacco companies to kill you. It's stupid. One of the stupidest things ever. But whatever, his body, his right to do what he wants to it I guess. Oh he takes Cocaine sometimes too. Oh the revelations. Oh the revelations.

So yeah, I'm stoner girl today. Maybe I'll be anorexic girl tomorrow and self harm girl on Friday. Hard to say. Of course, I probably won't really. In fact, I'm not going to take drugs again until I'm feeling better, I have much more access to them now, and all kinds, and through people who don't really care that they fuck you up. See? So I have to be more careful and watch my self control more. I don't want to disappear down the rabbit hole of escapism. I'd never get out.

Ah... I don't know. I really don't know. My eating habits are getting a bit dodgy once again. (This time more through not eating than through eating but not digesting it) I don't know what that's about, because I'm relatively comfortable with my weight at the moment. And I'm certainly not depressed, I mean no, this week hasn't been great, but that's just this week. There are many more weeks, with many more people and many more lessons and many more smiles. I'll be alright.

To be honest, the not eating is more of a money saving thing than anything else. And then because I'm not eating lunch I start thinking that I might as well also skip dinner (And I never eat breakfast anyway) I don't really know why... it seems partly to do with control, and partly to do with feeling like I'm acheiving something, even if I'm not really. Ah I don't know. I'll start eating lunch as soon as I have money. I don't really want to be fucked up at all, as I have said.

I wanna be healthy, happy, beautiful and intelligent. And none of the above seem tooooooo out of the question.>