I am severely annoyed. Ryan has a mobile phone. The point of a mobile phone is so that you can be contacted wherever you are. What is the point in having a mobile phone if you leave it in a place where you are garunteed NOT TO HEAR IT. It's stupid. Ridiculous. I'm never going to get my CDs back at this rate. He e-mails me, he says "Phone me on my mobile tomorrow" well it's tomorrow, and I've phoned on his mobile about 15 times now, and I am getting so frustrated. Because the success rate of managing to contact him through that stupid piece of machinery has always been about 50%, but today... gah. I bet he's sat downstairs thinking, "When's Annie going to phone me!?" completely forgetting that his phone is locked in the bottom of a closet somewhere in Italy or something. Argh. Feel the frustration, feel the pain.

I've gone and lost his home number too. So that won't work. Dammit.

Anyway, all that aside, nah, nothing especially interesting is happening. I discovered that my step dad has recorded over Charlotte's web, which can I say, I am VERY unhappy about. Not just unhappy, I am downright furious. First Alice in Wonderland and now this! But oh well. Life's so boring. I can't believe that this is all there is. I mean... it doesn't really ever get better, there are just distractions from the boredom. I'm not depressed in the sense that I'm in emotional pain I guess, I'm just bored. Jaded. I don't really see the point in being alive or getting up every morning, because it's not making any difference. I'm just so bored, and I'm worthless. Inadequate. What is the point? What's the point of being alive? There's not anything in particular I'm living for. Nothing that I'm looking forward to in the long term. I don't have a clue what I want to do with my life because every profession I can think of bores the crap out of me. It would all get so tedious.

Right now, the only thing I'm living for is tomorrow. And tomorrow all I'll be living for is the day after that. And then the day after that. And that is a miserable existance. What's the world got to offer me? What have I got to offer the world? The answer in reality is nothing. To both questions. The world's just like ... the only accomadation I can afford. Live with it or don't. I have to live with it. I have to keep going, but I don't know why. And I think that if I thought too deeply about it, I'd be less enthusiastic about carrying on.

But this is the only life I've got, and the only one I'm ever going to have. This is the only body I've got and the only one I'm ever going to have. This is the only mind I've got, and the only one I'm ever going to have. I have to carry on because what could be worse than non-existance? If non-existance is the end result, no matter what, then it doesn't matter if I've lived a happy life or a life of boredom, it doesn't matter if I've lived a good life or I've gone against all of my morals. The end result is not to exist, the end result is that I will die. And, the way I see it, why die now? In the end, all the misery and boredom I go through will cease to exist. And there's always the hope of happiness. Of course that will cease to exist as well. But happiness is good. Very good. And I know there will be happiness in my future. It might be continuous or it might be sporadic, but I will be happy at some point. I guess that's what I can look forward to. It's not really a purpose, but it is temporary relief. And I might find a purpose yet. Most likely I won't, but maybe, just maybe, there's something out in the world that I was made for. Maybe I'll find a reason to get up in the mornings.

I don't know. I really don't know. The confusion is begining to mingle with the despair and boredom and I don't know what's what. I guess this is what it's like being a teenager. Anyone reading this who forgot what it's like being 16, it's fucked up. It's painful, hard, confusing, boring, unhappy and difficult. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

Some people seem to love it. It suits some people. Some people can giggle and gossip and chat on the phone for hours on end. Some people care about fashion and television and what was on top of the pops last night. Some people can be distracted for hours on end by video games, some people fit their stereotypes. But I don't. I don't. And if I could... I don't know. I might. I might be a tall, slim, longlegged, bimbo blonde girl who loves to gossip and bitch and gawp at boys for hours on end. I might stop caring about the world. But it's doubtful isn't it? Would anyone really take that opportunity? Would you? Does anybody really fit into that category. I don't know! I really do not know. >