I was just talking to Stephanie. She was talking about how after the GCSE certificate evening, people were talking for days about how much weight I've lost, and how much better I look, and whatever.

I don't take that as a compliment. I know that might be a strange thing for me to be saying, but it's true. I don't take that to mean "You look really good", I take that to mean "You used to look really bad"

Aparantly Nicola (Stupid and boring girl who doesn't know anything about anything except for boys, crap music and what happens on her estate) said that I'd "Sorted myself out"

What the hell was she talking about? This is sorting myself out? Now I know that before I may have been fat and ugly, and I may have worn clothes that in no way complimented my figure, and I may have sat by myself because I was crap at making friends, I might have had wild uncontrollable hair, but at least I was me.

I wasn't making myself throw up, I wasn't cutting myself, I wasn't having constant breakdowns due to my low self-esteem (especially not pre-Tamzin), I didn't care about how other people viewed me. Until I met Tamzin, I was an incredibly stable and emotionally secure person who did what they wanted to do and liked whatever they liked without fearing what people thought of this. Even after Tamzin, I was STILL who I was. I was still willing to get up early on my goddam Saturday mornings and hand out anti-sweatshop leaflets, I was still willing to rant about Buffy the Vampire Slayer (which I loved and still do) despite the fact people thought me really sad and boring, I was still willing to do swimming in PE even when all the other girls backed out cause they were too shy to swim in the same pool with the boys. I thought that was pathetic.

Now I'm ... I'm not a different person, but I'm weakened. I have less drive, less ambition and I'm more tired, more jaded, I feel I have less to offer the world.

Sorted myself out my ass. No, I haven't "Sorted myself out", I've cracked under the pressures of society, the pressures of the media, the pressures of my friends, the pressures of being told that I need to be beautiful so I can get a boyfriend - may I ask, what the fuck do I need a boyfriend for? I don't know, but I'm still working like a busy little beaver to get one, or a girlfriend or whatever. I know it's stupid, but I'm listening to those TV shows where the main character has a different date every three weeks and it's making me feel like I have to look like that so that I can have a relationship too. It's stupid, it's stupid. But yes, I've cracked.

I have not sorted myself out. I've resorted to cutting my arm up because I can't be what I want to be - or what other people want me to be. I'm not even sure any more. I'm weak, I'm watered down like lemon squash.

Stephanie thinks I'm special. She used as evidence that anyone can be special to anybody's life. I said that in that case it would mean very little to me to be "special" because to some people, Britney spears is "special". I told her that the only way I would be "special" is if I personally felt that I had contributed something to society.

These are people who I think are special:

* Nelson Mandella

* Members of Metallica

* Che Guevara

* Tamzin

* Martin Luther King

* Rosa Parks

* Malcolm X

* The Beatles

* Hitler

* Albert Einstein

* Charles Darwin

* Michael Moore

* Robin Jarvis

* Phillip Pullman

* C.S Lewis

* Tolkein

* Trotsky

* Karl Marx

* Charles Manson

* Tony Benn

* Ken Livingstone

* Robin Hood

* Roald Dahl

* Jeremy Corbin

* Shelia (My politics teacher)

* My Step Half Uncle Sam

That list ranges. It ranges from people who did great things to people who did heinous, evil things. It ranges from people who developed amazing theories to people who wrote books that affected my life in some way. It ranges from people who caused revolutions to local politicians. From insanely religious nutcases to profound atheists. From those who lead movements to those who faithfully participated in them. From legandary heros to people who live down the road from me.

No, I don't think that Hitler or Charles Manson are people deserving of any praise, at all, in the slightest, I want to clear that up, but they did contribute things that have affected my life in one way or another, making them special as far as I'm concerned.

I will never be special like any of those poeple. I'm not a good person, I'm not a bad person, I'm not worthless, but I'mm not special. I just wanted to clear that up.

I wish I was special

You're so fucking special>