I just looked at myself in the mirror. In my tightish long sleeved black top and my old and dirty black baggies, with my newly black hair tied up at the top, the remaints of yesterdays eyeliner still there because I haven't bothered to remove it.. it's the most natural I've looked in months, but I really feel like a duckling turned into a swan. About a year ago I thought I was the most ugly girl in my entire school and now I actually enjoy looking at myself in the mirror. If I were a seperate person, I would look at myself twice if I saw myself in passing.

Am I prettier or does Tamzin just have less effect on me than she used to? I gave her my insecurities on a platter and she used them and she abused them and she made me feel like part of the dirt on the ground. But I feel better now. Happier. I've been really depressed lately, but it's like all of a sudden the cloud has just lifted, taken off and I'm left with a beautiful clear sky. Just in time for Christmas.

I'm pretty, I'm clever, I can be happy.. I was wrong. There can be things I can enjoy doing. I don't know what I want to do with my life, but that just makes it all the more exciting.

I was really scared a week or so back. I was sitting there thinking of being dead and in a coffin and the worms coming in and eating my corpse, and I'm being serious. I'm not trying to be melodramatic. And I was freaking out because that is just sick and it disturbed me that it was almost like a fantasy.

But it doesn't matter. Because I'm happy now. I might not be for long, I might go through a super depressed patch again in a few months - and I know that mood swings to this extent are not normal, but I'm going to ignore that because at the moment it doesn't matter.

I wish it would snow. I was dreading the fact that it might snow the other day, I just thought of it as inconvenient. That scares me a bit too, because I've always feared my personality changing and this is just two polar ends of my personality showing at different times.

But oh well.

It's Christmas Eve. I'm going to a party tonight. Parents party though. No fun. But I'll get lost of presents! That's if I still count as a child now that I'm sixteen... I think I could probably deal with it if I don't. The thing is that if I don't get presents I'm in a strange new world, because the adults will be sitting, getting drunk and discussing some things that I'm interested in and some things that I couldn't care less about, and the kids will be rushing around screeching wiht their new presents. And I feel like I've already been well out of both of those worlds for years. Up until now I've tried to join in with the kids, but even Rosie, the person closest to my age at 14, is a child in terms of maturity. She rushes around the house screaming and giggling. Insaneley hyper. I can't do that. I haven't since I was about 11 or 12.

I think it's time to just hang with the grownups.>