I have a theory. It's not a new one, it's one that I've had for a long time but hadn't really given too much thought until today. I like to be self destructive. I like to hurt myself. I like to let myself know pain and discomfort. I don't really know why.

Maybe because I'm angry with the world and I'm the only person I can take that out on. For instane, I don't really hate myself for my weight. Left to my own devices, I wouldn't consider myself fat, in fact, I'd consider myself rather attractive. But then I'm watching tv and girls about half my size are complaining that clothes make them look fat, and the news is talking about people with eating disorders and showing super skinny girls, and I think, "That's okay, this is just the media, most people aren't this thin. They're models. They're anorexic." But then I look out into the real world and most people are skinnier than me.

But instead of becoming angry with society, I become angry with myself and cut the word "Fat" into my thigh (This didn't come out very well due to an intense lack of artistic ability) But you get the picture. In theory it was so that I'd think about it every time I eat. Now tell me that isn't fucked up. I don't know which is worse. What it is that I did or the reason that I did it. I hate having fucked up friends. They're spreading their virus to me.

It makes it worse that I'm so much slimmer than I used to be. I was looking at a picture of myself yesterday. Now I look alrightin it I guess, but I do look chubby as fuck. And now.. well... I don't know where all that fat went. But it went somewhere. I still think I'm fat though. Especially my thighs. I'm so infuriated. I can't win.

Sometimes I think I'd be happier if I lived in America. I'd seem skinnier compared to the rest of the population. I'd also seem better educated, more politically aware, and more interesting than the vast majority of them. But the price I'd have to pay for that would be a reduction in freedom. It's funny that the American constitution at is core is very liberal, and yet the American government has always been so right wing and freedom repressing. I think I'm happy to live here in England really. But sometimes.. well sometimes I wonder if I'd rather live there for those very reasons. More to fight against. And yet - less power to fight with.

Irrelevant.

The point is... my leg fucking hurts. And I fucking hurt emotionally. And I feel like an attention whore even though nobody will ever see it and I won't tell anyone (Except Randy) apart from in here. My diary. My space to say whatever is bothering me. But I feel like an attention whore just out of doing it. Christ I hope nobody I know ever comes across this thing. I mean other than the people I give the address to. I just hope that my mother doesn't just stumble upon it one day. That would be embarrassing. I might have to lock it one of these days.

Just gimme an answer. It's all I need.

I'm gonna write a rhyming poem with words that end in "ation" Just because it might turn out amusing and seem to know quite a lot of those words.... heh>