One of my best friends has a website devoted to suicide, and its methods (Divided into classics and modern) with ratings out of 10 for each one, and of course his own personal plot to end his life.

The other one barely notices that I exist. (I would list off some examples but I can't be fucked)

Other friends - meh. None of them really care about me. I'm an aquaintance and nothing more nothing less. I care about them all MUCH more than they will ever care about me.

So I've been thinking. What do friends actually do for me? They occasionally make me feel better when I'm down, they support me I suppose (Or they should, I'm running thin on examples though), they provide entertainment, a source of information, they hear me and respond (Communication in itself is valuable)

It hit me today though, I can provide all of those things for myself. I can look after myself, I don't like looking after myself, but the point is, I can. I can be independant. I can support myself, and sitting thinking gives me more satisfaction than conversation with friends ever has. Entertainment can be found in my own way. Information can be found in books. Conversation and debate can be had with anybody.

I think that maybe I'm just not really a friend kind of person. All it leads to is my heart getting trampled on, and it's unnecessary. I mean the good parts of friendship, yeah, preferable, but not imperitive. Not having friends does not necessarily mena completely cutting yourself off from society. It does not mean that you have a lack of stories to tell. It simply means that more has to come from inside yourself instead of relying on the outside support of others, who really don't know any better than you do.

I deceive myself when I say those four words. "_ ____ ____ ______" as much as I'd like it to be true, it isn't. Yes. I get used all the time - everybody gets used by some people and everybody uses some people - it's just the way we work sadly, but I get used more often. I get used because I'm not important. I'm never the most important. I'm rarely even important at all. I'm the one at the end of the line. The one that can afford to be lost.

As much as I may like myself, I have to accept that other people do not. I'm not a particularly likeable person perhaps (And make no mistakes, I'm much more annoying in real life than I am on this thing where you don't even have to hear my whiney, gender neutral voice) I'm not likeable. I say obvious things. My jokes aren't funny. I talk about things that nobody cares about. I care about things that it seems like nobody else cares about.

Let's face it, even if I was meant to have friends, the ones that I've got at the moment have nothing in common with me stretching beyond musical taste and dress sense - and even that is pretty lacking. I don't want that for myself. I don't want to cut myself off and make myself the outsider anymore, because I don't deserve it.

I don't deserve to put myself through this misery. I can do it myself. I can be by myself. I can sit reading at lunchtime, I can eat as much as I fucking like, unless I enjoy starving myself in which case I can do that. If I really want to cut myself and it's not my insecurities blabbing all over the place, I can do that too. If I want to play computer games all day, fine. If I want to sit studying philosophy all day, fine. If I want to write a book, fine. If I want to lead a fucking revolution then it's in my hands and nobody elses. If I want to be a computer programmer, that's what I'll do. If I want to have lots of sex, I can. If I want to paint my room.. you know what.. what I'm getting at here, is that I can do whatever it is that I want to do and stop holding myself back. I can work for myself and ignore everybody else, because nobody else has really done me any favours. I put everything in and get nothing out. I've never minded that really. I mean I'm a commie at heart. And still am.. I mean I want to put stuff in, but at a distance. I want people to be happy, but that doesn't mean that I'm the thing that can make them happy.

So many people will argue with me but it's almost like I just had an epiphany. I need to break free. I need to fight and resist and only then will I survive. I need to remove my restraints. I have to stop thinking about what everybody else is doing. Friends are okay. But I won't let them hold me back. I'm not going to fall. I need to be myself now. I can live without friends but I can't live without myself. I am the most important person in my life. Not because I'm an arrogant cow (I guess I might be) but because I am the only person who I know will always be there regardless. I have to listen to myself and my beliefs. I have to be all that I want to be.

Sitting on the corridor at lunctime on Friday (I have only one lesson tomorrow) sounds much more appealling than it did earlier today.

I'm not saying that I'm gonna go ditch all my friends. Just that I'm going to stop myself from relying on their being there.>