I fantasise about her. Holding her, touching her, kissing her, killing her. It's all the same thing, in one hell of a blur. I said I never fancied her. Is that true? Is being completely in love with somebody the same as "fancying" them?

What is it about her that's so magnetic? Perhaps it's the fact that I can't even talk to her anymore and still have any respect from anybody. But no, I was drawn to her before that. Realistically, it's everythng about her. Her mannerisms, her attitudes, her sense of humour, the ways she can make you feel. The way that she can make you feel ecstatic with joy or like you shouldn't even be living. I love the control that she has. Perhaps it's the way that she is who she is. We all have a selfish side, but we repress it. She doesn't. She doesn't tell little white lies to make you feel better either.

I don't know what it is, but I know it's not just her. I am seriously attracted to sociopaths.

I watched four films in a row last night.

* The Indian In The Cubboard

* Bowling For Columbine

* Donnie Darko

* Girl, Interrupted

The only one of the four which I had never seen was Girl, Interrupted. I liked it. I liked Lisa. I liked Lisa a lot. When she pushed that girls buttons so that she killed herself, I cheered her on almost. She'd only said the truth. And that girl had been waiting for an excuse. But when the main character (I forget names) did the same. When she said that Lisa was dead and that her heart was stone cold and that was why nobody cared, my heart kind of broke for her. Because I thought she was an ungrateful little cow. Lisa might not have cared about anybody else, but she was who she was. She was more alive than anyone in that place who had just given up. She fought and fought to get free through her own means, without conforming to what some grownups in white coats thought was best for her. They knew jack shit. She was who she was. And she helped the main character. She got her out. What more could she fucking ask for?

See.

Sociopaths.

I love them.

I don't know, maybe it's the fact that they show a part of myself which I'm too afraid to show. Maybe it's just that they're different. They've found a way to step away from stupid rules and codes. Maybe it's the power. Maybe it's that I'm a masochist. And I am, let's face it. I like humiliation and degradation. I've said many times that I would prefer a very submissive role in sex and that in S&M, while I'd like to try the S, in general, I'd prefer the M. Maybe I just like Sadists. It's not sociopaths at all. It's anybody who likes to hurt others. Oh I don't fucking know. All I know is that... I don't know anything.

Except that Donnie Darko is a brilliant film and you should all watch it many many times.>