God I don't have anything to say for once. It's amazing. I feel slightly restricted, but that isn't the reason. I'm just a very boring person.

I guess I kind of want to talk about the person I want to be.

Nothing makes sense. You can think about it and think about it and think about it, and there are some huge contradictions. Like, okay - do we have parts of our personality that we don't control? Like can we control our sense of humour or is that just something that we're born with, a certain appreciation for a certain type of humour? Or is it something that we control, or that our environment controls? And either, way, it seems so fake. If we're born with it, it's not our choice to be that way, and therefore we're not very individual, and if it's our environment, it's still not our choice and even if it is our choice, that's like pretending to be something we're not? See what I mean? We can't be individuals. We make choices based on the way we were brought up, and our surroundings, and the vast majority of our choices are based around either seeming the same or seeming to be different.

It's like Gemma says in Junk. I don't know the exact quote, but, "Tar's dad is basically a reasonable guy who soemtimes forgets to be reasonable (Even if that is in a fairly major way) but my dad is a very unreasonable guy who never fails to remember what he can get away with by appearing to be reasonable"

It's all about appearances. Maybe he's right, maybe what we really are, what brings us through as people is what we choose to pretend to be. We are what we pretend to be.

What do I pretend to be?

Do I only pretend to care for this world? It feels like I care about it, but I could just be lying to myself. You know, I spent an hour crying last night. I was lying in bed, my room was freezing, I was shivering, starving, lonely, depressed, my back ached and I couldn't stop thinking about the possibility that when my children (should I have them) grow up, the world might not be here. I'm scared. The world might end. It might end any time, and how do we know what people are keeping from us? We could all die. The icecaps could melt and we could all die. I don't want to die.

God I think too much about the big picture. I mean who cares if some kid in Ethiopia doesn't have clean water, maybe what we should be worried more about is that kid is unable to have a childhood. I mean life is important, but what's the point in it if there's nothing in it to enjoy. No little pleasures.

I keep changing my mind about this, but, this is what I think:

I think that the big picture is important, and that we should never lose sight of it, but that the little things that keep us going matter as well. I mean, God, what's the point of life if it's just a life? We might as well be slaves. If all we have is a life, no hobbies, we just concentrate on making dsure everyone is alive and living in vauge comfort, then we ARE slaves. We work, we eat, we rest and we work again. Isn't that what slavery is? I mean, everyone knows f you treat your horse well it'll do better work for you. Same principle with people, so we're just bought off with enough money to live in relative comfort and a bit of a false conciousness and a bit of hope, but ... we just work. All of us. Even the masters.

So the little things matter.

Also, we should worry about how long we're going to live, but not too much. We should be more concerned with the way we want to live. I've changed mymind, smoking is stupid because you're paying tobacco companies to kill you, but I shan't critisise it, because peopel obviously enjoy it. And if they don't, if they really want, they can quit. So I'm not gonna be bitchy anymore. Just... relax. I should relax.>