It really irritates me how everybody has started locking their diaries. It's cowardly. I don't know, I guess I just don't see the point of having an internet diary if it's hidden from everybody. I have mine for the reason that it isn't. That I can tell the truth in my diary and everybody can read it. That I can express my feelings and other people can read them and understand.

I'm meeting up with James tomorrow. I'm still not quite out of my "What the hell happened?" mentality. It is really strange, but at least I'll have time to get ready and look pretty, because cause of this thing tomorrow morning, I don't have to go in until 10.

I'm frightened. Not about James, just... in general. I'm terrified. I feel like... everything's about to explode or something. The world's about to go up in flames, ending in a beautiful but tragic blaze engulfing us all. I've been having a really fucked up week. I mean mentally, fucked up, and frightening. I can't stop thinking about death, and destruction, and pain. I dreamed about killing myself last night. I can't stop thinking that something's in motion that I have no control over. I know it sounds like I've been watching a wee bit too much Donnie Darko, but I mean it. And I feel like it's almost a premonition. Not that I really believe in crap like that, but that's what it feels like. It feels like the world, or at least my world, is ending. Life's a destructive path, and once you're in it.. there's a garuntee that it's gonna burn out. That you're gonna die. I'm scared. I don't want to die. I know I said I hope I die before I get old, but I don't. I don't want to die when I am old either. I don't fucking want to die. I'm so scared.

Do you ever zone out, maybe just staring at a wall or something, and then suddenly think, "Shit, can my life actually be real?" Do you ever think that your life feels like it's just a dream, and that when it ends, you'll just wake up? Like... like... someone's just messing with you, putting you throug some massive test. I often think about that when that happens to me. When the realisation that I'm alive hits me like a kick in the stomach. I think that maybe the whole world are actors, and somebody's doing a psychiatric test on me, to see how I'll respond to different situations. I know it's an incredibly self centred delusion, but sometimes I wander... sometimes I wander if somebody up is seeing whether making all of my friends self harm will make me do it myself, or whether ... I don't know.. I'll communicate in the same way as the people around me. I don't know. I know it's really weird, but... it feels like a fucking joke.

And I'm terrified that it's giong to end. I'm terrified that the world's going to end, or I'm going to die, and it's going to be like falling, and not knowing where I'm falling to, and having nothing to grip on to. Or not being able to breathe, and desperately wanting to open up my lungs, but not being able to, and not being able to satisfy my need. My basic human need to breathe, and to have my heart beat, and the blood flow around my body. What if dying's slow? What if I actually feel my body even after my heart stops beating? What if I feel the blood come to halt? What if it doesn't become nothing, what if there is a life after death? What if it isn't a good one? What if it's just falling.. endless falling into nothingness? I used to have a reccuring dream about falling, and one about drowning. That's why I imagine dying like falling and not being able to breathe. I'm so scared. I don't ever want to fucking die? Why do I have to die? Why does anyone have to die?

I feel like it's soon. I've always been a hypochondriac, I'm always convinced that there's something wrong with me, even if I'm always trying to convince my mother that there isn't. But what if it's soon? What if I have a brain tumor, or cancer, or meningitis? What if something inside me is eating away at my organs.. my life... what if the world is really coming to an end? What if there is a life after death? What if it's falling? What if dying hurts? What if life is really a psychiatric test? What if I die soon? >