I was thinking a minute ago (shocker) and remembering "The group". This depressed me. And I'm currently experiencing the same lonely pangs that I had when I finally realised, or should I say when I finally accepted, that they (the group) didn't give a fuck about me.

I honestly thought that Tamzin and Stephanie and Kelly and Ben and Kalim and whoever else there was were actually my friends. And I was deceiving myself so badly. I really didn't have anybody in the world.

When I first met Randy, I used to cry nearly every day. Once I told Ben and Kalim that, I think that they thought I was just saying it for attention. They had no idea. This was after I realised it. It was in between realising it and making new friends.

But when I realised... I'd always known. I always knew when I went out with them that I wasn't really welcome, that I was tagging along. Stephanie liked me I think, and Ben and Kalim in small doses, but without Tamzin's approval I was never really going to be anything.

She used to be so cruel.

The things that I put up with from her... the things she could say to me and I'd still want nothing more than to just be her friend, for instance in Wales, days before she hit me, she offered a chewing gum to anybody who thought they might get kissed and I accepted a chewing gum merely because I wanted one, and she just laughed at me, and she carried on laughing, and it was such fake laughter and she laughed and laughed. And Stephanie and Kelly were right there and they didn't say anything to her either. And she just laughed.

And later that day I was being nice to her, and offering her my sweets and whatever, I honestly didn't care about how cruel she'd been, how cruel she always was.

God you should see me now though, right now, a year later just at the memory of some of the things she said to me while we were "friends" I'm sobbing silently. I don't think I'm ever going to get over it. No matter how much I try.

Anyway, don't think I was too dense to realise at fourteen that she didn't like me and that I was unwelcome, it was just that every time I decided that I had "had enough" and stopped talking to her, she would start talking to me, and she was "So sorry" and she "Didn't realise" how much she'd upset me, and she really liked me, and she was "Determined to change"

And I bought it every single fucking time. She would bring me to an all time low and then she would raise me and build and build at my self esteem until she could knock it over like a tower of cards - no, a tower of bricks, I came down harder than that.

"I will work to elevate you - just enough to bring you down" - Tool

And when I finally realised, when it finally hit me that I had no friends in the world, I can't even describe the feeling. Who has felt complete and utter lonliness?

I wasn't even becoming friends with Sam at this point. I kind of had Polly, but Polly and I never had anything in common. I like her, but she could never be a "friend" as such. And besides, she was in "The group"

I had nothing. Nobody. Amy had come and gone, Randy had only just come. In fact a lot of the first conversation I ever had with Randy was mostly occupied with how Tamzin had hit me and I had no friends and I felt like killing myself. And a little bit about how ugly Kurt Cobain was (Or he thought that he was anyway, I defended him a little, not that it matters how he looked) But I don't think he had any idea. I never explained "The group" to him at that point. The only thing he knew was about what she did in Wales, and even then he told me that she was a bitch and that I should forget about her.

And that's what I can't take. People keep telling me I should forget it. I CAN'T FORGET IT. How the hell do you expect me to erase 2 of the most important years of my life!? How the fuck do you expect me to wipe from my memory my entire transition from becoming a retarded "rebellious" teenager to becoming a slightly less retarded err "angry" teenager (Um but angry without the rebelliousness. I'm not rebellious at all. And am slightly less angry.. but a lot more sad).

But I still haven't gotten to the lonliness.. aw forget it, just take my word for it. I was lonely. Very. And I am right now as well, but I won't be in the morning, because I'll remember that I have irreplacable and wonderful friends who would never dream of treating me like that bitch did.

It's a fucking mirical that I didn't kill myself after everything that happened. I thought about it enough. You might think I sound pathetic.. but.. you'd have a different outlook if I'd had a video camera while she was saying some of the things she said to me - then again, she might be too busy smiling into the camera to say them.>